Here We Go Again

On Monday my dear husband started his low carbohydrate diet. He got this plan from some doctor or hospital back in the Atkins/South Beach heyday and lost a considerable amount of weight on it the first time he did it.

My sweetheart always tells everyone how well this diet works, and I always have to bite my tongue. Okay, in theory, the diet is supposed to work because by drastically reducing carbs and eating more protein and fat, our bodies are supposed to naturally lose by burning stored body fat more efficiently. But let's face it: any diet that reduces calories will work, but how effective is it when you hate doing it, and once you quit doing it, you gain all if not most of the weight back that you've lost. By Monday night my husband was already craving carbs, so I'm sitting back and waiting to see what happens.

Now, don't think I'm not being a supportive wife. I went grocery shopping last night and got him supplies for his diet -- green veggies and full-fat salad dressing, meats and cheeses, and nuts for snacks. But at the same time, I have a daughter who is in top physical condition from competitive gymnastics and is what I consider a normal eater. She needs a well-balanced diet for her three-hour gymnastic practices, and an essential part of that is carbohydrates. The trick with her is steering her towards healthier carbs. While her adoration of white rice knows no bounds, she has no problem with brown rice and will also eat other grains like quinoa. She also really loves beans, especially Lima beans. So I need to make sure she's getting that part of the food pyramid while her father is abstaining.

As for me, I'm watching myself for signs of "second-hand deprivation." In the past, whenever my husband went on one of his diets, I always seemed to do my worst with my eating. It was as if I was driven to overeat in rebellion of his restricting. This was really frustrating and confusing to me, because one would think it would be easier to be careful with my eating when the person I lived with was doing it, too. But I've realized that just witnessing and being around his dieting would set off the "feast or famine" response in the caveman recesses of my brain.

In fact, last night as I was wandering through the grocery store, I found myself on the hunt for something super carby to chow down on for an evening snack -- my 21st century version of the Woolly Mammoth hunt, I guess. But fortunately, something from all my IE work must be sticking, because nothing I saw appealed to me, and I've come to a place in my eating where I won't just buy any old junk to cram in my pie hole. If I'm going to eat it, I have to really love it. And nothing in the store reached those qualifications. The best thing was, instead of feeling bummed about not finding anything, it actually felt very empowering.

After my daughter got out of gymnastics she was starving (as usual), and her new fixation is Dairy Queen. She wants to go there all the time, and of course I usually get something, too. I've been trying various things, and I've realized that the size of the treat keeps getting smaller and smaller. Now I know a Buster Bar is NOT a low calorie, fat-free treat, but it's definitely smaller size and calorie-wise than a lot of stuff on their menu. And I'm actually more satisfied because it's what I prefer. I figure it's better than getting something sugar and fat free that tastes like cardboard, then going home and eating even more to make up for that disappointment.

I think what will really help me in this new challenge is a book I just got in the mail. I read some recommendations for it on one of the "normal" eating forums that I lurk on, so I thought I'd give it a go. I will let you know my findings very soon.

Motivation

Today I have been cleaning the house and really hitting it hard. It's the cleanest the house has been in ages. Why? I have company staying over tonight.

As I mentioned in the previous post, I am a control freak and hate chaos. That definitely includes my house -- clutter and chaos there makes me nuts nuts nuts! Yet why is it that I need outside motivation -- someone else coming to visit -- to propel me into high-octane cleaning?

I realized the same thing goes with my eating and my weight. I'd like to be a "normal" eater and achieve a healthier weight, yet why is it that I can't get motivated unless I have the threat of an impending doctor's appointment and stepping on his scale?

Again, what is going on inside of me that won't make the effort unless there's an outside force? Is it some basic lack of self esteem and negative thinking that doesn't think I deserve it? Do I think other people's opinions -- guests, doctors -- are more important than mine? Or do I fear their criticism more than I do my own?

Let's face it, most people follow the rules because there are consequences. Some of them are negative: We wouldn't worry too much about speed limits if there were no speeding tickets. We don't break laws because there are possible fines and even jail time. And then there's the positive reinforcement: would we care about doing well in school if we didn't get the A? Would we try to make the sales quota if there wasn't a commission or bonus tied to it? Most humans need rules and consequences, sometimes rewards and punishments, to motivate us to do the right thing.

I guess for me, dealing with my eating creates mixed signals in my head. While I know logically that it is better for my body and mind to eat healthier, i.e., a reward, it's hard to not feel deprived -- a form of punishment -- if I restrict or try to eliminate certain kinds of foods. And my reaction to that threat of punishment is to run away or rebel.

For example: yesterday I was reading a magazine that included a big section on one of those "get healthy now!" programs, and as I leafed through their suggested meals and treats I actually started to get anxious! Just the thought of "you can't have that" and "you have to eat this" sends me into that spiral of diet mentality that always has the reverse psychology effect on me. "I can't have it? Well, then, by God , I'm gonna' eat it twice as much as I did before!"

I am SO much happier when I eat intuitively. I have choices and don't have a huge list of don'ts and shoulds and no-nos hanging over my head. I'm not obsessing every minute of the day over how many calories I've consumed and how many more I'm "allowed" to have that day. The thing is, it is work focusing in on what my body actually wants and needs, and paying close attention to
those signals of hunger and satiety instead of following the rules of eating at this time and never eating after a certain hour. I'm sure when I was very young this was all automatic to me, but I "shoulded" myself until I lost that ability. Now I have to relearn it, which can be difficult when I'm trying to counteract the years of irrational thinking and emotional ties I've used instead.

My doctor's appointment is in an hour. I sure hope there isn't too much punishment in store for me.

Control Freak

I thought a lot about yesterday's post and the comment I made that breakfast and lunch were not a problem because those were the most controlled parts of my day. There is obviously a direct correlation between chaos in my life and the chaos in my eating, and it's something I really need to explore.

Just today someone said to me that I am very easy going and down-to-earth. I know I come off that way, but like my mother very astutely commented about me recently, "They just don't know all the turmoil that goes on below the surface." That's been my problem all my life -- suppressing my emotions, feelings and opinions. And here's the irony of it: I've done it to protect myself from the possible rejection, ridicule, and anger of others; but in doing that, I've caused so much damage by holding those emotions inside and not asserting myself.

The older I get, the more I realize how much of a control-freak and perfectionist I can be. I don't like chaos and drama; I don't like it when someone else holds the cards and causes problems in my life; and I often have to fight off that irrational thought "if it isn't done right, why bother doing it at all?" That comes into play a lot both in my work life and at home. Whether it's a task at the office or a housecleaning chore, it's very difficult for me to hand it off to someone else, dreading that it won't be done correctly and that I'll have to do it over or correct it later.

I think about all of this, because after ruminating over the first paragraph, my initial response was to figure out how to gain some control over the parts of my day that have become chaotic. I started thinking about how to do it "right" and how I could pre-plan and fix the situation. But then I realized, the REAL problem, the REAL solution I need to find, is how to learn to live with the chaos without falling apart! Because let's face it, no one can completely control every aspect of their lives, and chaos will always exist. How can I become more tolerant, more accepting of my lack of control over the universe? And how do I change my current coping mechanism, which is "treating" myself with food?

I made a step in the right direction today, at least as far as asserting myself. Rather than continuing to stew and steam over something that was making me crazy, I addressed the issue head-on with the person involved. I had a lot of anxiety doing this, but I knew I had to get it off my chest, even if the person got mad at me. And once again, I was pleasantly surprised that the person was very receptive and even complimented me and thanked me for all I do.

Now if I can tackle this control issue without being a control freak about it!

Been There, Done That

This past week Kirstie Alley has been the target, punching bag, object of ridicule, etc., because she came out on the Oprah show and admitted she regained the weight she very publicly lost. God bless her, I know what she's going through on several levels, although I consider myself lucky that I don't have paparazzi following me around calling me "fat a**." People are probably thinking it and muttering it to themselves behind my back, but at least it's not being yelled at me in airports or malls.

This came at an interesting time for me. I have another doctor's checkup this Friday, and I know it's not going to be fun. I haven't done well at all lately with the weight loss and exercise, and I totally expect to have gained when I step on the doctor's scale. I'm already trying to prepare myself for the fallout I'm going to get for it.

The sad thing is, when I get this way, even an upcoming doctor's appointment doesn't seem to give me the incentive to get myself into gear. "This way" includes major moodiness, prone to tears or anger, and a major lack of energy. Add a hectic schedule to the mix, and I'm reduced to getting the very basics done (work, basic housekeeping) and not being able to muster the motivation to attempt anything else. That means exercise for sure.

As far as eating, I do my best with breakfast and lunch to be a "normal" eater, as far as portion sizes and healthy food goes. It helps that it coincides with my most orderly and routine part of the day. After that, however, as my life goes chaotic, so does my eating. Definitely way too much night time snacking! I guess I should focus on that chaos=eating relationship and figure out how to combat that. Recognizing it is the first step. Doing something about it is the second. And sometimes that even goes well. At first. But then I lose motivation, the stressors of my life get the better of me, and I'm realizing more and more that I need help and support to keep it from collapsing once again.

I'm quickly coming to the realization that things really need to change in my life. It hasn't congealed into a formal plan, but I think within the next month or so, I have to come to some conclusions and make some real decisions. I'm sure Friday's appointment will contribute to that. And I have to realize that I can't do it all by myself. It's always been exceedingly hard for me to ask for help, but if I ever want to get some real progress in my life, it has to be done.

AWOL again!

I have been absent again from the blog, and I give my apologies. Part of the reason was the time of year: as a church secretary, Holy Week and Easter are one of the busiest times of the year for me, and there were a couple weeks when I hardly had time to think straight, let alone blog. It's finally starting to slow down now that I've mailed my monthly newsletter (I'm the editor, type in all the copy, design all the pages, fold and label them, plus handle all the bulk mailing duties!) I can take a little breather. In fact, summer is really slow for me at work, and I have to admit I'm looking forward to the lighter schedule.

We also had some upheavals in my home routine. At the beginning of April, after debating over it for the past year, we made the decision to move my daughter from one gymnastics team which was 10 miles away, to another gym that is 40 miles away! In addition, we're bumping up from three days a week, at three hours a pop, to four days a week, with the Saturday class clocking in at four hours! It's meant a lot more running for me, although once we get settled in, I think some of the other parents and I will set up some turns at carpooling. It's already obvious it was the right decision to make; I know my daughter has learned more in the last three weeks than she learned in the last three months at her old gym. Her form is better, and she's definitely increasing her strength.

To add to all this "busyness," I've been dealing with some issues with a medication I take. I take a generic form of Ortho Tri-Cyclen, and last month my pharmacy switched the generics on me. Well, the last couple weeks have been rough. The PMS was rough with major moodiness. Then, when I was supposed to have my "visitor," it was nowhere to be found. And I'm usually as regular as clockwork. I was freaking out and even got a pregnancy test, which did turn out negative. A few days after that, a week after it was supposed to come, it arrived with a fury, with cramps from hell and moodiness that made me feel like a crazy woman. I was near tears three times that day!

It was weird that this "scare" happened right now, because I've been surrounded by a lot of babies recently, and I have to admit I've caught a little baby fever. Even my husband caught a bit of it from me. So we both were really doing some heavy thinking and talking during those days when I wasn't sure. Although in the midst of my hormonal breakdown I ranted to him, "If I had a baby right now on top of all this I'd jump in front of a truck!" So I don't know what will happen now.

To make matters worse, my daughter and I caught some kind of stomach bug, so while I stayed at home with her yesterday and tried to work from home, I was also making frequent and urgent trips to the bathroom.

Needless to say, add this all together, and I haven't been doing that great the last few weeks with my eating and exercising. But it hasn't been a total backslide. I will backtrack a little bit here and say that as of March 27 I had lost almost 20 pounds since January, and on April 8 I got weighed at a different doctor's appointment and was still at that weight. I can't even guess what it is right now, though, after these last two weeks of insanity. I didn't want to weigh myself and bum myself out more. However, my husband did mention yesterday morning that he could tell I've lost weight, so apparently I haven't undone all the work I've done. I have until May 8 until my next check-in with my doctor, so hopefully by then I can regroup and get myself together again.

The biggest bummer is that my exercise is almost nonexistent this month. It's not about using it to lose weight: I've got a 5K race in June and I really want to be able to do it without collapsing! That's me on the right in that picture over there from last year's race, with my friend Jen and my daughter standing in front of us. I've GOT to get myself back to walking regularly and at length, because I don't want to make an a** out of myself. It's just been so darn tough lately to find the time. There are days I'm up at 5:50 a.m., get daughter to school and be at work by 8; out at 3, make an early dinner for my daughter so we can leave by 4:15 to get to gymnastics; run errands during her practice, then get home at 8:45 p.m. and hope to be in bed by 9:30 so I can start it all over again the next day. The good news is, some of the other gym moms want to start walking together when the weather improves (it was snowing here today!), so maybe that will help.

I will do my best to stay more up-to-date here, but I've recently been bitten by another fever: Facebook! It's hard to stay away from it and I've tracked down a lot of friends from my college days, which is v.v. cool!

The last couple days I've been telling a few people about what I feel is helping me a lot in my current battle with my eating issues. I feel a little weird about doing this, for a couple reasons: number one, I'm rarely one to toot my own horn, number two, I'm one of those superstitious types who are afraid I'll jinx the whole thing and it won't work anymore.

Plus I'm not even that confident that it's working: is it really the placebo effect, or maybe just the arrival of spring? I have to realize, however, that no matter what it is, for whatever reason, it is working.

Last year I started doing some self-hypnosis CDs, and at first they seemed to be working well. I downloaded them into my MP3 player and listened to them at night before I fell asleep, and I liked the positive messages and relaxation techniques in them. But then I fell into my depression and let it slide. While I still like those CDs, I must admit I've tried something new.

Anyone who gets e-mails from a certain book seller probably got inundated with the same e-mails I did about Paul McKenna's book "I Can Make You Thin." I had heard about the TV show of the same name that ran on a cable channel last year, but I never watched it. I'd heard of Paul before -- actually, I remember a number of his appearances on The Howard Stern Show, and he always seemed to be very effective there. So, having a gift card for the book seller, I clicked on the link and looked at the book and its reviews. Since the reviews were primarily positive and I wasn't paying anything out of my own pocket, I ordered the book and figured it couldn't hurt to try.

The book itself it basically a rehashing of the Intuitive Eating principles I've been trying to follow for the past few years. It was a nice repackaging of those "rules" and it was a nice, quick read. Kind of like a refresher course! I then downloaded the CD to my MP3 player and started listening to it at night.

While I'm still cautious about calling myself a success story, for now it seems to be helping me a lot. It happened by degrees over the last two months, but now, for the first time, the IE principles (eat when you're hungry, eat what you want, eat until you're satisfied) feel very second nature to me.

Here's a perfect example: this past Saturday night my husband was craving pizza from his favorite pizzeria. We went and ran into my mother, so we all went together. Mom and I ordered a medium pizza with green peppers and onions (my favorite!) and I dug in and enjoyed every bite. But after two pieces, I looked down at the remaining pizza and just knew that I was done. I was by no means full, but I reached this level of satisfaction I've been calling my "sweet spot." I didn't hear the old voices in my head, the ones that either make me feel deprived for stopping or else urging me on to eat it all.

The best news of all? Last post I was worried about the post-stress need to overeat, and I'm happy to say it never happened. I did have one evening of anxiety, which in the past would have driven me to dig into the boxes of Girl Scout cookies I have sitting in the dining room. Yet I never cracked open a single box.

Again, I don't know if I'm just on a "high" right now and in a few weeks this will all fall to pieces once the novelty has worn off. But for now it's working for me, and I'm going to continue to do it.

Hunger

This morning I read the newspaper and saw the Cathy comic strip (March 5, 2009, in case you're reading this later). In case you can't find it or see it, Cathy is on yet another diet -- this time the Cookie Diet -- and she's marking off the minutes since her breakfast cookies at 7:15 a.m., exclaiming happily that she's not hungry. Finally, at 9:22 a.m., she announces "I miss being hungry." In the next frame her friend/co-worker says, "Incredible how your mind is completely off of food..." while Cathy replies, "I hunger for hunger!"

Back in January when I was hitting bottom, I went to my therapist and explained to her about hitting this bottom when it comes to food and not sure what I could do about it. In one of those odd coincidences, she had just done some extra research on eating issues, and she asked me a question that really made me think. "Most people overeat as a substitute for something they're not getting in their lives. What are you really hungry for?"

My answer? Well, it wasn't a clear-cut answer, but what it boils down to is that food equals comfort to me. Food doesn't judge me, look down on me, or look for something in return. And this isn't an uncommon notion in our society -- just look at the Lord's Prayer: "Give us this day our daily bread." This isn't just about filling our stomachs; it's about spiritual sustenance, too. From our first days of life our parents answered our cries with the bottle, beginning that connection between food and comfort.

But, unfortunately, people like me take it one or two or a million steps further. Due to life circumstances and our reactions to them, food becomes our only comfort. Or the only one we trust not to let us down. And once those habits are in place, it's so hard to break those connections and look elsewhere for our support. That's why it's so much more than counting calories -- it's learning to change our behaviors, to find other methods and trust other people to comfort us.

Since trying to pull myself out of the abyss in January, I've had some bumps along the way, but I've been very conscious of them and they haven't lasted long. I don't do well with stress, and I've had some pretty stressful moments lately. The funny thing is, I'm getting better about sitting with my emotions and not eating during the stress. But once the worst is over and I'm coming down from it, that's when the urge to overeat becomes the most overwhelming.

I had another one of those moments last night. I was so stressed, so emotional, and I did my best to work through it. I realized the main feelings I was experiencing were fear and helplessness, and being able to pinpoint that seemed to reduce the severity of it, because I didn't let it build out of control into an anxiety attack. My fear is that today I will now want to turn to food to "make it all better." I suppose it's a good thing that I'm very conscious of it, but I can't help feeling a little like Cathy. Without the emotional hunger on auto-pilot, I'm feeling kind of lost and not sure what to do with myself.

I know, I need to now implement those alternative methods of comfort that I've read about in various books and magazines and have written down in lists as I go through this IE process. I listened to a relaxation CD last night, and today I will do my daily exercise. I'm also writing this, which was something I couldn't bring myself to do for the last six months. I also have a good book I'm reading right now, which gives me the escape I crave without filling my belly with candy or cookies. I just hope that after all of this I'm not sitting there like Cathy hungering for my hunger.