PB Ain't Just Peanut Butter Anymore

I met with my new therapist on Friday and I was really pleased with her. Of course the first time was spent catching her up on my past and what I'm trying to do now. She seemed very receptive to my Intuitive or Normal Eating goals and tackling the emotional issues behind my eating. Next time I plan on taking some of my literature in with me (mainly the Food and Feelings workbook and Karen's new book "Nice Girls Finish Fat") and show her what I'd like to focus on with her in sessions.

In the meantime, I have been taking a more serious look at the LAP-Band surgery. First I went to my local hospital/surgeon's web site and went over all of their extensive information about the surgery and what happens after in their program. Then I went exploring on the web and found some blogs by people who have had the surgery. Not "success" stories hand-picked by bariatric surgery offices that only say how wonderful it is, but uncensored, unfiltered accounts by real people.

I have to say I am not convinced to have the procedure done. I learned a new term today -- Productive Burp, or PB as it's abbreviated on all of these blogs. This occurs once the band is in place when you eat food too quickly or the piece is too big to fit through the opening, and it all comes flying back out. Somewhere I read a recommendation to carry plastic bags with you wherever you go to collect these PBs. Bloggers wrote about PBing into an empty bottle and horrifying their friends with what could also be called Projectile Barfing. This didn't sound very fun at all.

But do you want to know what caused the biggest reaction? When I read that I couldn't drink carbonated beverages any more. I love my seltzer water (flavored, but no sugar or artificial sweeteners), and I looked at that information with a huge amount of sadness. There was a list of other foods that could also cause problems -- fibrous foods, beef, peanut butter (hey, I could PB on PB!) among others -- which all added up to me feeling uneasy about the whole thing.

Is that petty? Am I missing out on something that might benefit me because some foods or beverages would have to be eliminated or greatly reduced? I never eat raw onions because they upset my stomach, but I don't feel bad about that, because it benefits me in the long run. Maybe I would eventually feel the same way about seltzer water and steak. I guess I just don't like those decisions being forced on me.

What bothered me the most, though, was the general feeling from these blogs that they couldn't lose weight fast enough, that the band wasn't limiting their food intake enough, and their doctors were in agreement with this. One blogger said the doctor told her she should only be able to eat half of a frozen diet dinner, which just sounded crazy to me. It just smacked of that extremist diet mentality that I've worked so hard to recover from these last few years.

If any of you know more about this, please let me know. I just know I feel great about the future as far as my therapy as involved, but very wary about the surgical route. I should probably listen to my intuition, right? Or am I just afraid of making a serious commitment?

(Not) In Treatment

When I get a chance, I like to watch episodes of HBO's show In Treatment. I have to sneak this viewing in when my husband isn't around, because he doesn't really like the show and calls it "depressing." This makes sense because 1) he's never had a great opinion of psychotherapy and 2) the episodes can be depressing at times. Maybe because I've dealt with depression for the majority of my life I'm somehow drawn to it. Is it because I relate to it so well? I like watching people revealing their inner thoughts to an objective person and often discovering things about themselves they didn't realize before. Yes, it can be sad to see someone falling apart, but I much prefer that emotional/mental drama than some 10-minute fight scene. Which is why I in turn leave the room when my husband turns on a Steven Seagal movie. Gag!

Psychiatrists, psychologists and counselors have played a major role in my life: I just realized I've had more therapists than significant others! I've definitely gone through longer periods in my life without a boyfriend than I have without a therapist.

At the end of May my most recent counselor retired. I was supposed to be referred to another colleague in her office, but I've yet to get a phone call to schedule an appointment. Yes, I've made a phone call to check in, about a week ago. I left a message on the new referral's voice mail, but haven't gotten a reply. I think I may call the person in charge today or tomorrow and see if I can't get any further that way.

This was a tough time for me to go cold turkey. For the last four years summer have been a very chaotic, trying time for me, and I've had major issues with anxiety attacks and difficult bouts of depression over it. Therapy was crucial for me because it was precious "me" time, where I was the focus for once, and I could vent and troubleshoot problem areas in my life. And this summer is no different: yesterday I had a pretty significant melt-down that left me feeling like a fragile, cracked piece of china.

But you know what? Looking back on the day, I actually saw it as a small victory. Instead of shoving down the feelings I was having, which would normally come out later in anger, anxiety and depression, I just left those feelings fly and let myself experience the emotions I was experiencing (frustration, hurt, helplessness). Even better, I didn't go out and comfort myself with overeating after the fact, either. I did go food shopping, but I didn't think once about buying any kind of binge foods. I stocked up on salad fixin's for myself; healthy, energy-packed snacks for my daughter so she can re-fuel after gymnastics practice; and fresh veggies for last night's dinner. Last evening I did find myself attacking my housecleaning with some unusual fervor, but better that than a tub of ice cream!

While it would be nice to have a therapist to tell all of this to, I guess for now I've got enough tools in my mental arsenal to keep me going. However, I've got a lot more summer to tackle, and it would be nice to have that "corner man" (yes, I'm using boxing terminology!) to advise me.

Control Freak

I thought a lot about yesterday's post and the comment I made that breakfast and lunch were not a problem because those were the most controlled parts of my day. There is obviously a direct correlation between chaos in my life and the chaos in my eating, and it's something I really need to explore.

Just today someone said to me that I am very easy going and down-to-earth. I know I come off that way, but like my mother very astutely commented about me recently, "They just don't know all the turmoil that goes on below the surface." That's been my problem all my life -- suppressing my emotions, feelings and opinions. And here's the irony of it: I've done it to protect myself from the possible rejection, ridicule, and anger of others; but in doing that, I've caused so much damage by holding those emotions inside and not asserting myself.

The older I get, the more I realize how much of a control-freak and perfectionist I can be. I don't like chaos and drama; I don't like it when someone else holds the cards and causes problems in my life; and I often have to fight off that irrational thought "if it isn't done right, why bother doing it at all?" That comes into play a lot both in my work life and at home. Whether it's a task at the office or a housecleaning chore, it's very difficult for me to hand it off to someone else, dreading that it won't be done correctly and that I'll have to do it over or correct it later.

I think about all of this, because after ruminating over the first paragraph, my initial response was to figure out how to gain some control over the parts of my day that have become chaotic. I started thinking about how to do it "right" and how I could pre-plan and fix the situation. But then I realized, the REAL problem, the REAL solution I need to find, is how to learn to live with the chaos without falling apart! Because let's face it, no one can completely control every aspect of their lives, and chaos will always exist. How can I become more tolerant, more accepting of my lack of control over the universe? And how do I change my current coping mechanism, which is "treating" myself with food?

I made a step in the right direction today, at least as far as asserting myself. Rather than continuing to stew and steam over something that was making me crazy, I addressed the issue head-on with the person involved. I had a lot of anxiety doing this, but I knew I had to get it off my chest, even if the person got mad at me. And once again, I was pleasantly surprised that the person was very receptive and even complimented me and thanked me for all I do.

Now if I can tackle this control issue without being a control freak about it!

Food Drama at the Mega-Mart

I had some interesting food experiences yesterday. Hubby wasn't going to be home for supper, so I decided to get some Chinese for my daughter, since it's her favorite food and we don't go as a family because it seriously disagrees with Hubby's digestive system.

The way my schedule worked, the only time I could get the food was around 2:30 in the afternoon. It was early, but no insanely so -- we had to leave for my daughter's gymnastics lesson at 5 p.m., so we basically have to eat in the 4 o'clock hour anyway.

But I decided yesterday to eat mine even earlier, around 3. This felt odd, but the food smelled so good, I hadn't eaten a lot throughout the day and figured what the heck. I had two helpings and put the rest away for when my daughter came home from school.

I actually felt kind of rebellious about eating what was going to be my supper so early in the day. But the food stuck with me pretty well, and I wasn't tempted to go all "Hobbit" and eat a second supper at 6 p.m.

I did go shopping during the two-hour gymnastics class, and I had a whole little mini-drama at the worldwide mega-store that my friends and I have named the "Evil Empire." I don't particularly love going to this monster store, but in the very rural, sparsely populated area where I live, there's very little choice in the matter.

The drama ensued as I started thinking about buying a roll of cookie dough. Back at the beginning of my "dark period," I would regularly buy one and spoon the whole thing into my gullet in a numbing, calorie-laden binge. I haven't done this in a couple of months now, which has been a small victory in my mind as I try to recover.

So what made me suddenly want one of these binge foods again? Was it the little child in me, the spoiled brat wanting to exert her control in to spite the 2008 goals I have set for myself? Is part of me feeling the slightest pangs of deprivation as I try to be more conscious of what, when and why I'm eating. I'm not dieting or restricting, but still, there seem to be some kind of boundaries or rules coming back into play, and the knee-jerk reaction is to rebel against that.

I'm definitely nervous about preparing for my upcoming trip to London (I'm leaving Jan. 25!). Making sure I have everything packed, that I don't forget anything important, and of course the stress of traveling and the joys of airports. I also have this dread about the state of my house when I return, because my 9 year-old daughter and 40-something husband are pretty much equal in their abilities to clean up after themselves (not very good). Throw two very rambunctious Labradors into the mix, and who knows what disasters I will come home to Feb. 1. So it's no wonder I'm looking for something to calm me down.

But as I trolled the aisles I tried to rationalize all of this in my head. Would a roll of cookie dough really help me? How would I feel after I ate it? I tried to really focus on and break down what I was craving food-wise and figure out what would satisfy that without making me feel sluggish and half-nauseated afterwards.

I determined I wanted something with chocolate, but not something hard like a candy bar. I wanted something soft, but not as cold as ice cream. I wound up in the dairy aisle looking at the pudding cups, and the only flavor that appealed to me was the double chocolate flavor, which happened to be 100-calorie and fat free. I picked up the package of six cups and walked away kind of surprised at myself.

Even more shocking? Before I left the dairy section I found myself picking up a container of cottage cheese. I haven't eaten this stuff in months and months, sick to death of it after eating it constantly in my dieting days. The very thought of it repulsed me and I avoided it like the plague. But I realized I could really go for a small bowl of this with some pineapple mixed in for some added sweetness.

I viewed all of these incidents as signs of progress -- I'm slowly losing my biases against certain foods and breaking down the associations I've placed on them. I'm loosening my rules of when a meal is supposed to be eaten, and I'm doing my best to figure out what I really want and why.

Update on the new hair cut. As expected, Hubby wasn't crazy about it. Maybe it will grow on him in time. Or I'll grow it out. But right now I'm really liking the change.