PB Ain't Just Peanut Butter Anymore

I met with my new therapist on Friday and I was really pleased with her. Of course the first time was spent catching her up on my past and what I'm trying to do now. She seemed very receptive to my Intuitive or Normal Eating goals and tackling the emotional issues behind my eating. Next time I plan on taking some of my literature in with me (mainly the Food and Feelings workbook and Karen's new book "Nice Girls Finish Fat") and show her what I'd like to focus on with her in sessions.

In the meantime, I have been taking a more serious look at the LAP-Band surgery. First I went to my local hospital/surgeon's web site and went over all of their extensive information about the surgery and what happens after in their program. Then I went exploring on the web and found some blogs by people who have had the surgery. Not "success" stories hand-picked by bariatric surgery offices that only say how wonderful it is, but uncensored, unfiltered accounts by real people.

I have to say I am not convinced to have the procedure done. I learned a new term today -- Productive Burp, or PB as it's abbreviated on all of these blogs. This occurs once the band is in place when you eat food too quickly or the piece is too big to fit through the opening, and it all comes flying back out. Somewhere I read a recommendation to carry plastic bags with you wherever you go to collect these PBs. Bloggers wrote about PBing into an empty bottle and horrifying their friends with what could also be called Projectile Barfing. This didn't sound very fun at all.

But do you want to know what caused the biggest reaction? When I read that I couldn't drink carbonated beverages any more. I love my seltzer water (flavored, but no sugar or artificial sweeteners), and I looked at that information with a huge amount of sadness. There was a list of other foods that could also cause problems -- fibrous foods, beef, peanut butter (hey, I could PB on PB!) among others -- which all added up to me feeling uneasy about the whole thing.

Is that petty? Am I missing out on something that might benefit me because some foods or beverages would have to be eliminated or greatly reduced? I never eat raw onions because they upset my stomach, but I don't feel bad about that, because it benefits me in the long run. Maybe I would eventually feel the same way about seltzer water and steak. I guess I just don't like those decisions being forced on me.

What bothered me the most, though, was the general feeling from these blogs that they couldn't lose weight fast enough, that the band wasn't limiting their food intake enough, and their doctors were in agreement with this. One blogger said the doctor told her she should only be able to eat half of a frozen diet dinner, which just sounded crazy to me. It just smacked of that extremist diet mentality that I've worked so hard to recover from these last few years.

If any of you know more about this, please let me know. I just know I feel great about the future as far as my therapy as involved, but very wary about the surgical route. I should probably listen to my intuition, right? Or am I just afraid of making a serious commitment?

Here We Go Again

On Monday my dear husband started his low carbohydrate diet. He got this plan from some doctor or hospital back in the Atkins/South Beach heyday and lost a considerable amount of weight on it the first time he did it.

My sweetheart always tells everyone how well this diet works, and I always have to bite my tongue. Okay, in theory, the diet is supposed to work because by drastically reducing carbs and eating more protein and fat, our bodies are supposed to naturally lose by burning stored body fat more efficiently. But let's face it: any diet that reduces calories will work, but how effective is it when you hate doing it, and once you quit doing it, you gain all if not most of the weight back that you've lost. By Monday night my husband was already craving carbs, so I'm sitting back and waiting to see what happens.

Now, don't think I'm not being a supportive wife. I went grocery shopping last night and got him supplies for his diet -- green veggies and full-fat salad dressing, meats and cheeses, and nuts for snacks. But at the same time, I have a daughter who is in top physical condition from competitive gymnastics and is what I consider a normal eater. She needs a well-balanced diet for her three-hour gymnastic practices, and an essential part of that is carbohydrates. The trick with her is steering her towards healthier carbs. While her adoration of white rice knows no bounds, she has no problem with brown rice and will also eat other grains like quinoa. She also really loves beans, especially Lima beans. So I need to make sure she's getting that part of the food pyramid while her father is abstaining.

As for me, I'm watching myself for signs of "second-hand deprivation." In the past, whenever my husband went on one of his diets, I always seemed to do my worst with my eating. It was as if I was driven to overeat in rebellion of his restricting. This was really frustrating and confusing to me, because one would think it would be easier to be careful with my eating when the person I lived with was doing it, too. But I've realized that just witnessing and being around his dieting would set off the "feast or famine" response in the caveman recesses of my brain.

In fact, last night as I was wandering through the grocery store, I found myself on the hunt for something super carby to chow down on for an evening snack -- my 21st century version of the Woolly Mammoth hunt, I guess. But fortunately, something from all my IE work must be sticking, because nothing I saw appealed to me, and I've come to a place in my eating where I won't just buy any old junk to cram in my pie hole. If I'm going to eat it, I have to really love it. And nothing in the store reached those qualifications. The best thing was, instead of feeling bummed about not finding anything, it actually felt very empowering.

After my daughter got out of gymnastics she was starving (as usual), and her new fixation is Dairy Queen. She wants to go there all the time, and of course I usually get something, too. I've been trying various things, and I've realized that the size of the treat keeps getting smaller and smaller. Now I know a Buster Bar is NOT a low calorie, fat-free treat, but it's definitely smaller size and calorie-wise than a lot of stuff on their menu. And I'm actually more satisfied because it's what I prefer. I figure it's better than getting something sugar and fat free that tastes like cardboard, then going home and eating even more to make up for that disappointment.

I think what will really help me in this new challenge is a book I just got in the mail. I read some recommendations for it on one of the "normal" eating forums that I lurk on, so I thought I'd give it a go. I will let you know my findings very soon.

Motivation

Today I have been cleaning the house and really hitting it hard. It's the cleanest the house has been in ages. Why? I have company staying over tonight.

As I mentioned in the previous post, I am a control freak and hate chaos. That definitely includes my house -- clutter and chaos there makes me nuts nuts nuts! Yet why is it that I need outside motivation -- someone else coming to visit -- to propel me into high-octane cleaning?

I realized the same thing goes with my eating and my weight. I'd like to be a "normal" eater and achieve a healthier weight, yet why is it that I can't get motivated unless I have the threat of an impending doctor's appointment and stepping on his scale?

Again, what is going on inside of me that won't make the effort unless there's an outside force? Is it some basic lack of self esteem and negative thinking that doesn't think I deserve it? Do I think other people's opinions -- guests, doctors -- are more important than mine? Or do I fear their criticism more than I do my own?

Let's face it, most people follow the rules because there are consequences. Some of them are negative: We wouldn't worry too much about speed limits if there were no speeding tickets. We don't break laws because there are possible fines and even jail time. And then there's the positive reinforcement: would we care about doing well in school if we didn't get the A? Would we try to make the sales quota if there wasn't a commission or bonus tied to it? Most humans need rules and consequences, sometimes rewards and punishments, to motivate us to do the right thing.

I guess for me, dealing with my eating creates mixed signals in my head. While I know logically that it is better for my body and mind to eat healthier, i.e., a reward, it's hard to not feel deprived -- a form of punishment -- if I restrict or try to eliminate certain kinds of foods. And my reaction to that threat of punishment is to run away or rebel.

For example: yesterday I was reading a magazine that included a big section on one of those "get healthy now!" programs, and as I leafed through their suggested meals and treats I actually started to get anxious! Just the thought of "you can't have that" and "you have to eat this" sends me into that spiral of diet mentality that always has the reverse psychology effect on me. "I can't have it? Well, then, by God , I'm gonna' eat it twice as much as I did before!"

I am SO much happier when I eat intuitively. I have choices and don't have a huge list of don'ts and shoulds and no-nos hanging over my head. I'm not obsessing every minute of the day over how many calories I've consumed and how many more I'm "allowed" to have that day. The thing is, it is work focusing in on what my body actually wants and needs, and paying close attention to
those signals of hunger and satiety instead of following the rules of eating at this time and never eating after a certain hour. I'm sure when I was very young this was all automatic to me, but I "shoulded" myself until I lost that ability. Now I have to relearn it, which can be difficult when I'm trying to counteract the years of irrational thinking and emotional ties I've used instead.

My doctor's appointment is in an hour. I sure hope there isn't too much punishment in store for me.