Hunger

This morning I read the newspaper and saw the Cathy comic strip (March 5, 2009, in case you're reading this later). In case you can't find it or see it, Cathy is on yet another diet -- this time the Cookie Diet -- and she's marking off the minutes since her breakfast cookies at 7:15 a.m., exclaiming happily that she's not hungry. Finally, at 9:22 a.m., she announces "I miss being hungry." In the next frame her friend/co-worker says, "Incredible how your mind is completely off of food..." while Cathy replies, "I hunger for hunger!"

Back in January when I was hitting bottom, I went to my therapist and explained to her about hitting this bottom when it comes to food and not sure what I could do about it. In one of those odd coincidences, she had just done some extra research on eating issues, and she asked me a question that really made me think. "Most people overeat as a substitute for something they're not getting in their lives. What are you really hungry for?"

My answer? Well, it wasn't a clear-cut answer, but what it boils down to is that food equals comfort to me. Food doesn't judge me, look down on me, or look for something in return. And this isn't an uncommon notion in our society -- just look at the Lord's Prayer: "Give us this day our daily bread." This isn't just about filling our stomachs; it's about spiritual sustenance, too. From our first days of life our parents answered our cries with the bottle, beginning that connection between food and comfort.

But, unfortunately, people like me take it one or two or a million steps further. Due to life circumstances and our reactions to them, food becomes our only comfort. Or the only one we trust not to let us down. And once those habits are in place, it's so hard to break those connections and look elsewhere for our support. That's why it's so much more than counting calories -- it's learning to change our behaviors, to find other methods and trust other people to comfort us.

Since trying to pull myself out of the abyss in January, I've had some bumps along the way, but I've been very conscious of them and they haven't lasted long. I don't do well with stress, and I've had some pretty stressful moments lately. The funny thing is, I'm getting better about sitting with my emotions and not eating during the stress. But once the worst is over and I'm coming down from it, that's when the urge to overeat becomes the most overwhelming.

I had another one of those moments last night. I was so stressed, so emotional, and I did my best to work through it. I realized the main feelings I was experiencing were fear and helplessness, and being able to pinpoint that seemed to reduce the severity of it, because I didn't let it build out of control into an anxiety attack. My fear is that today I will now want to turn to food to "make it all better." I suppose it's a good thing that I'm very conscious of it, but I can't help feeling a little like Cathy. Without the emotional hunger on auto-pilot, I'm feeling kind of lost and not sure what to do with myself.

I know, I need to now implement those alternative methods of comfort that I've read about in various books and magazines and have written down in lists as I go through this IE process. I listened to a relaxation CD last night, and today I will do my daily exercise. I'm also writing this, which was something I couldn't bring myself to do for the last six months. I also have a good book I'm reading right now, which gives me the escape I crave without filling my belly with candy or cookies. I just hope that after all of this I'm not sitting there like Cathy hungering for my hunger.

Low Frustration Tolerance

I haven't been writing, although I keep meaning to. I guess it's because my brain's so busy processing the information I've been absorbing, and I haven't been ready to write about it.

I've been writing a lot about "Three Minute Therapy," and for any of you who deal with overeating or smoking issues, I highly recommend reading Chapter 8 (this is the link for the entire chapter on the TMT web site). Like my previous reading, all of this made perfect sense to me, was something I already sort of realized, but I don't think I ever had it explained to me so succinctly.

I don't know if I ever heard of the term Low Frustration Tolerance before, but after reading this chapter, I knew for sure that I've got it in spades. Here is a list from the book of common thoughts of people with LFT:

I feel upset when things proceed slowly and can't be settled quickly
I feel upset about life's inconveniences or frustrations
I feel quite angry when someone keeps me waiting
I feel very sorry for myself when things are rough
I feel unable to persist at things I start, especially when the going gets hard
I feel unexcited and bored about most things

According to the book, LFT is caused by "the belief that life MUST be fair, easy, well-ordered, comfortable, exciting, pleasurable, interesting, or hassle-free. In any situation where life does not conform to such demands, the addict compulsively looks for a quick escape from these 'unbearable' circumstances."

Perhaps the only aspect of this that doesn't apply to me is the need for things to be exciting. I'm never bored and am quite content to live a life without a lot of highs, whether it's soap-opera type drama in my life, being surrounded by people to entertain me, or even the need to have some kind of noise (radio, TV, etc.) going on at all times.

But oh boy, do I ever get ticked off when I'm handed a lot of frustrating and inconvenient circumstances! I HATE it when people keep me waiting, and cover your children's ears from the cursing when I'm in a car and stuck behind slow drivers. I do get way too easily frustrated when hassles and problems are thrown in my way, and when things go wrong I definitely tend to feel sorry for myself. As for looking for the quick escape? You better believe it, and it normally comes in some form of carbohydrate.

This Low Frustration Tolerance particularly comes into play when one tries to stop the compulsive/addictive behavior. How many times have we given up dieting or gone back to the cigarettes because (from the book):

The pounds MUST come off quickly (or I MUST immediately never want to smoke again)

I MUST have a cigarette/cookie because I strongly want one.
Life SHOULD be more fun

If I start to feel bored or dissatisfied, I MUST feel better right away

I CANNOT STAND the frustration of being so deprived.

The discomfort is HORRIBLE.

And when we fall off the wagon we have even more MUSTy thinking:

I SHOULD have been born thin (or I SHOULD have never started smoking)
Life SHOULDN'T be so unfair
I SHOULD be able to eat whatever I want -- or smoke (without any consequences I dislike)
Controlling my eating (or smoking) SHOULD be easy

And guess what? All of these thoughts are irrational, too demanding and unrealistic. This is where the Three Minute Therapy can become so beneficial.

I haven't done any specific TMT exercises on this, but in the last few days the realization of my irrational beliefs and Low Frustration Tolerance have shed a new light on my current relationship with food and weight. When the negative thoughts come into my head I find myself automatically disputing them.

For the past three days I've been eating much more sensibly -- reasonable portions, a larger proportion of healthier foods -- and for the first time in months and months I don't feel resentful and full of self-pity about it. I'm also cranking up my exercise and getting much more disciplined with it. I'm telling myself I am not "going on a diet" and approaching it all more as an experiment, to see what feelings crop up and finding the beliefs behind them.

I'll let you know how this "grand experiment" unfolds and what I discover.