Decision Time

Well, I survived Tuesday's appointment. I didn't lose a lot of weight since last month -- 2 pounds -- but I consider that a miracle after all the picnics, reunions, birthday dinner and cake, and don't forget the carnival!

It's also amazing when I consider that summer for me has been a disaster stress/food wise for the past several years. The screwed-up family schedule, some part of the house in construction/remodeling chaos, and a variety of other elements I won't mention here always seems to lead me in three possible outcomes: tears, anxiety or mindless eating. I had one such crying bout the other morning when I got overwhelmed by all of it and everyone involved. And while I did kind of let myself go on a free-for-all around my birthday (as most "normal" people do, I think), the majority of my month was really good as far as IE goes.

I am not a fan going to the doctor, which was proven scientifically over this past six months. When I first come in they take my blood pressure and it's always high because I'm so anxious and nervous, but by the end my doctor takes it again and it's always 10 points lower. But I believe having that monthly appointment really helped to keep me on track and accountable. And while I had that monthly supervision, it helped me stay on track and start to establish some new habits that I believe are starting to stick.

I will admit, after the appointment I went home and "splurged": I had two cookies for a snack, allowed myself some fried food for supper, and then in the evening had a small ice cream sundae. That's it. No bags of chips, boxes of cookies, or quarts of ice cream. Compared to even the beginning of the year, this was small in comparison to previous "splurges". And you know what? It didn't agree with me at all! All that rich food upset my stomach, and the next morning I was GLAD to get right back to my "regular" food. A major milestone!

I'm going to admit something here, which I've only told a few people. There was an ulterior motive/reason for these monthly visits. In January when I first went to the doctor he wanted me to consider getting the LAP Band surgery. A requirement to be approved for it is a documented six-month, doctor-supervised weight loss plan. This last visit was the six-month mark, so technically I'm done and I should now make a decision about the surgery.

The problem is I'm completely undecided. I have always and will continue to swear I will never have the gastric bypass. I think it's the mutilation of a well-functioning digestive system. It's way too dangerous and full of risks, not only with the surgery itself, but with the recovery and the long-term problems of malnutrition and loss of bone density. Yes, I know some people who have had success; I also know some people who had a horrible time in recovery, some who have managed to regain a lot of weight despite the surgery, and I have read of the deaths caused by it, too. I just don't see enough positives here for me to ever consider it.

The LAP Band, however, has never received full condemnation from me. It's less invasive, doesn't involve cutting, and rerouting parts of your body, and it seems to cause far fewer problems. But I'm still leery. It still involves inserting foreign objects into your body, and there are always some risks with that.

I admit that I'm wary of the whole process of it. Going to doctors, being evaluated, all the requirements they expect of you before and after the procedure. It feels to me like I'd be selling my soul to the Weight Loss Devil. I could be totally wrong with these impressions, but after a lifetime of doctors, weight loss experts, magazine articles and news reports telling me I HAVE to do this or MUST do that, I'm very gun-shy about being forced to someone else's "rules." I've worked so hard at this intuitive eating process; what if their rules don't coincide or are the complete opposite of what I've tried to accomplish?

But then I look at recent pictures of myself and bemoan the fact that I regained all this weight from my all-time adult low a few years ago. Even though it was still extremely far from our culture's current ideal, I wish I could have that body back and think I'd do just about anything do get it. But then I realize I can't go back on another diet full of "shoulds," deprivation and perfectionism, that it nearly made me snap before, and I'm afraid that's exactly what I'd find in the LAP Band experience.

Of course, I won't know for sure unless I go to the informational meeting and find out what it's really all about. But I keep procrastinating, worried that once I get there they'll give me the hard sell and I'll be pressured into it. However, I know I'm not that weak-willed that I'll allow myself to be talked into something I know I don't want to do. I need to quit procrastinating and letting indecision rule my life.

For now, I'm concentrating on IE, because it seems to be working. Maybe not as fast as weight loss surgery, but progress is progress no matter how small. And on Friday I finally have my first appointment with my new therapist. We had a very brief phone conversation last week, and I told her I'm interested in cognitive behavioral therapy. At the appointment I'll go into more detail, and I'm really hopeful that she'll be able to help me reinforce new beliefs and more productive behaviors that will turn this weight battle around for good.