Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Low Frustration Tolerance

I haven't been writing, although I keep meaning to. I guess it's because my brain's so busy processing the information I've been absorbing, and I haven't been ready to write about it.

I've been writing a lot about "Three Minute Therapy," and for any of you who deal with overeating or smoking issues, I highly recommend reading Chapter 8 (this is the link for the entire chapter on the TMT web site). Like my previous reading, all of this made perfect sense to me, was something I already sort of realized, but I don't think I ever had it explained to me so succinctly.


I don't know if I ever heard of the term Low Frustration Tolerance before, but after reading this chapter, I knew for sure that I've got it in spades. Here is a list from the book of common thoughts of people with LFT:


I feel upset when things proceed slowly and can't be settled quickly
I feel upset about life's inconveniences or frustrations
I feel quite angry when someone keeps me waiting
I feel very sorry for myself when things are rough
I feel unable to persist at things I start, especially when the going gets hard
I feel unexcited and bored about most things


According to the book, LFT is caused by "the belief that life MUST be fair, easy, well-ordered, comfortable, exciting, pleasurable, interesting, or hassle-free. In any situation where life does not conform to such demands, the addict compulsively looks for a quick escape from these 'unbearable' circumstances."


Perhaps the only aspect of this that doesn't apply to me is the need for things to be exciting. I'm never bored and am quite content to live a life without a lot of highs, whether it's soap-opera type drama in my life, being surrounded by people to entertain me, or even the need to have some kind of noise (radio, TV, etc.) going on at all times.


But oh boy, do I ever get ticked off when I'm handed a lot of frustrating and inconvenient circumstances! I HATE it when people keep me waiting, and cover your children's ears from the cursing when I'm in a car and stuck behind slow drivers. I do get way too easily frustrated when hassles and problems are thrown in my way, and when things go wrong I definitely tend to feel sorry for myself. As for looking for the quick escape? You better believe it, and it normally comes in some form of carbohydrate.


This Low Frustration Tolerance particularly comes into play when one tries to stop the compulsive/addictive behavior. How many times have we given up dieting or gone back to the cigarettes because (from the book):
The pounds MUST come off quickly (or I MUST immediately never want to smoke again)
I MUST have a cigarette/cookie because I strongly want one.
Life SHOULD be more fun
If I start to feel bored or dissatisfied, I MUST feel better right away
I CANNOT STAND the frustration of being so deprived.
The discomfort is HORRIBLE.
And when we fall off the wagon we have even more MUSTy thinking:
I SHOULD have been born thin (or I SHOULD have never started smoking)
Life SHOULDN'T be so unfair
I SHOULD be able to eat whatever I want -- or smoke (without any consequences I dislike)
Controlling my eating (or smoking) SHOULD be easy
And guess what? All of these thoughts are irrational, too demanding and unrealistic. This is where the Three Minute Therapy can become so beneficial.
I haven't done any specific TMT exercises on this, but in the last few days the realization of my irrational beliefs and Low Frustration Tolerance have shed a new light on my current relationship with food and weight. When the negative thoughts come into my head I find myself automatically disputing them.
For the past three days I've been eating much more sensibly -- reasonable portions, a larger proportion of healthier foods -- and for the first time in months and months I don't feel resentful and full of self-pity about it. I'm also cranking up my exercise and getting much more disciplined with it. I'm telling myself I am not "going on a diet" and approaching it all more as an experiment, to see what feelings crop up and finding the beliefs behind them.
I'll let you know how this "grand experiment" unfolds and what I discover.

Thursday, March 6, 2008

TMT in Action

This morning I had an incident that is perfect for Three Minute Therapy.

A. (Activating event): My daughter and I had a big discussion/argument about gymnastics. She has a meet this weekend and she thinks she needs to go to practice every night this week to get ready for it. I don't think she should be going every night because she'll be exhausted by the time the meet finally comes on Saturday. I told her I wasn't planning on taking her tonight, and I wished she had told me all of this last night when her father was home so we could discuss it. (One of the other moms and I trade off nights driving the kids to practice, and this was the other mom's night) It got even more confusing when she told me the other mom "might" take her again tonight because she's taking her daughter. But I couldn't get a solid answer on it.

At first she got very angry at me and was giving me terrible attitude, including aggressively tossing her agenda at me when I asked her for it so I could sign off on her homework. Then she went into martyr mode and first said she didn't want breakfast, then said she might not even want to go to the meet.

We also got into this frustrating and confusing conversation about the registration fee for the tournament. I paid a fee (to the gymnastics group) for a February match that was cancelled, and I assumed that fee would be applied to this March match. But now my daughter says she isn't sure this was applied to the March match or if we'll even get our money back for the February match. The coaches are NOT good at distributing information to the parents and my daughter's knowledge of what's going on is shaky and changes every five minutes.

B. (irrational Belief): My daughter SHOULD tell me what's going on at gymnastics as soon as she gets home. She SHOULD remember important details and SHOULD NOT change her story every five minutes. She MUST show me respect and not give me attitude. The coaches SHOULD be better at getting this information to the parents and SHOULD NOT rely on little kids to do it. I MUST know what's going on. I SHOULD be more proactive and chase these coaches down for information. I HATE it when I don't know what's going on, and I SHOULD NOT feel confused and out of control. I MUST not screw up this registration situation, which could keep my daughter from competing, or I will be a TERRIBLE mother.

C. (emotional Consequences): Anger and anxiety

D. (Disputing or questioning your "must," ) My daughter's 9 years old. Why should she be expected to remember details exactly and be responsible for relaying all important information to me as soon as possible? When my daughter joined this team no contract was signed by the coaches stating they must be excellent at communicating to the parents. Nor was there any rule that stated I had to chase them down to find out what's going on. Why should I be exempt from being out of the loop and out of control? And where is it written that messing up a registration fee makes me a terrible mother?

E. (Effective new thinking): I would PREFER that my daughter treat me with respect and not lash out at me, but at her maturity level it's normal for her to overreact or respond irrationally. It's frustrating when I have to deal with her anger or self-pity, but it is not something that should infuriate me. I would PREFER that my daughter report to me as soon as possible and accurately about important things. But she's an imperfect human child whose attention span is limited and whose priorities are not the same as mine, so it's to be expected that she would jumble or forget things. The fact is that from time to time that I won't know what's going on and will not be in control of every aspect of my life. This can be very frustrating, but not something that should make me anxious and upset. I would PREFER not to mess up the registration fee for this match, and it would be disappointing if she couldn't go, it would not be a tragedy. This one mistake will not change my overall definition as a person.

F. (new Feeling): frustration and a little confusion, but not anger and anxiety

What's so great about this method is that instead of feeling guilty for getting so angry and foolish for being so anxious, I can dissect the incident and get to the truth of the matter, which is that I'm not really angry at my daughter or the coaches, but all of my MUSTY thinking. And the anxiety comes from the harsh demands I put on myself and feeling scared and bad about myself because I'm not meeting those incredibly high and often irrational expectations.

Monday, March 3, 2008

Three Minutes

In my recovery time after my bout of the flu (the worst I've had in some time, even with a flu shot) I read a book I've heard a lot about and finally ordered. Three Minute Therapy: Change Your Thinking, Change Your Life, explains the basics of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) in a very understandable format.

I've already looked into cognitive behavioral therapy (which was spawned from REBT) to deal with issues in my life, but like any other project, it can feel overwhelming and you're not sure where to begin or if you're doing it right. The great thing about Three Minute Therapy is that it gives you the outline of an easy to grasp exercise that can tackle any issue that arises.

The main concept of REBT and this book is that our thinking causes our emotions, not the incidents that happen to us. It's our beliefs about those events that influence how we feel about them and lead to our behaviors. I realized in reading this book that I've been skirting around this REBT concept for some time but didn't have the tools to put it into action. This book does it in a "baby step" ABC method that makes it seem like something I can accomplish.

It really made me realize how many demands I put on myself, others and the world in general. I MUST be the best at whatever I'm doing; my family MUST think, feel and behave the same way I do; and the world MUST treat me fairly and everything in my life MUST go smoothly. And when this doesn't happen I let my emotions run wild.

I suppose I knew this before I read this book, but it really hit home for me in so many ways as I've been struggling over a lot of issues and emotions these last several months. It addresses my perfectionism, my all-or-nothing thinking, as well as the depression, anxiety and overeating that have resulted.

For example, one reoccurring problem I have is my anger and resentment about the housekeeping duties in our house. Here is a Three Minute Therapy exercise that pinpoints my beliefs and how they are affecting my emotions:

A. (Activating event): For the nth time I'm cleaning up the living room and it's mostly clutter and garbage that my husband and daughter left behind.

B. (irrational Beliefs): My house MUST be neat or I'm a terrible housekeeper, mother and wife. My family MUST be neat and clean up after themselves. I SHOULDN'T have to clean up their messes.

C. (emotional Consequences): Anger and resentment.

D. (Disputing): Who says my house must be neat? There is no judge or jury examining my housekeeping abilities and giving me a pass or fail grade. There is no rule in the Constitution that says that my family must share the same level of neatness that I desire. Where is it written that I shouldn't clean up after my family?

E. (Effective new thinking): I PREFER to have a neat house, but it does not equate to my worth as a human being. I WOULD LIKE my family to clean up their clutter, and it’s disappointing that they don't. Being imperfect humans, they are going to be messy sometimes, maybe even a lot. Rather than making myself angry and resent my family, I had better face the fact that if I want my living room neat, the probability is that I will need to take care of it.

F. (new Feeling): disappointment, but no anger.

What's nice about this is that you can still feel rational emotions (like the disappointment above), but this method enables you to talk yourself down from that irrational ledge that makes you feel out of control or guilty about it later. (This guilt is a secondary emotion, which is also addressed in this book, but more on that later.)

I am going to try to do at least one Three Minute Therapy a day, or at least when an issue rears its head. I'm not going to make it a MUST, because that's pretty self-defeating, isn't it? Let's just say I would PREFER it if I can do this regularly!