Food Drama at the Mega-Mart

I had some interesting food experiences yesterday. Hubby wasn't going to be home for supper, so I decided to get some Chinese for my daughter, since it's her favorite food and we don't go as a family because it seriously disagrees with Hubby's digestive system.

The way my schedule worked, the only time I could get the food was around 2:30 in the afternoon. It was early, but no insanely so -- we had to leave for my daughter's gymnastics lesson at 5 p.m., so we basically have to eat in the 4 o'clock hour anyway.

But I decided yesterday to eat mine even earlier, around 3. This felt odd, but the food smelled so good, I hadn't eaten a lot throughout the day and figured what the heck. I had two helpings and put the rest away for when my daughter came home from school.

I actually felt kind of rebellious about eating what was going to be my supper so early in the day. But the food stuck with me pretty well, and I wasn't tempted to go all "Hobbit" and eat a second supper at 6 p.m.

I did go shopping during the two-hour gymnastics class, and I had a whole little mini-drama at the worldwide mega-store that my friends and I have named the "Evil Empire." I don't particularly love going to this monster store, but in the very rural, sparsely populated area where I live, there's very little choice in the matter.

The drama ensued as I started thinking about buying a roll of cookie dough. Back at the beginning of my "dark period," I would regularly buy one and spoon the whole thing into my gullet in a numbing, calorie-laden binge. I haven't done this in a couple of months now, which has been a small victory in my mind as I try to recover.

So what made me suddenly want one of these binge foods again? Was it the little child in me, the spoiled brat wanting to exert her control in to spite the 2008 goals I have set for myself? Is part of me feeling the slightest pangs of deprivation as I try to be more conscious of what, when and why I'm eating. I'm not dieting or restricting, but still, there seem to be some kind of boundaries or rules coming back into play, and the knee-jerk reaction is to rebel against that.

I'm definitely nervous about preparing for my upcoming trip to London (I'm leaving Jan. 25!). Making sure I have everything packed, that I don't forget anything important, and of course the stress of traveling and the joys of airports. I also have this dread about the state of my house when I return, because my 9 year-old daughter and 40-something husband are pretty much equal in their abilities to clean up after themselves (not very good). Throw two very rambunctious Labradors into the mix, and who knows what disasters I will come home to Feb. 1. So it's no wonder I'm looking for something to calm me down.

But as I trolled the aisles I tried to rationalize all of this in my head. Would a roll of cookie dough really help me? How would I feel after I ate it? I tried to really focus on and break down what I was craving food-wise and figure out what would satisfy that without making me feel sluggish and half-nauseated afterwards.

I determined I wanted something with chocolate, but not something hard like a candy bar. I wanted something soft, but not as cold as ice cream. I wound up in the dairy aisle looking at the pudding cups, and the only flavor that appealed to me was the double chocolate flavor, which happened to be 100-calorie and fat free. I picked up the package of six cups and walked away kind of surprised at myself.

Even more shocking? Before I left the dairy section I found myself picking up a container of cottage cheese. I haven't eaten this stuff in months and months, sick to death of it after eating it constantly in my dieting days. The very thought of it repulsed me and I avoided it like the plague. But I realized I could really go for a small bowl of this with some pineapple mixed in for some added sweetness.

I viewed all of these incidents as signs of progress -- I'm slowly losing my biases against certain foods and breaking down the associations I've placed on them. I'm loosening my rules of when a meal is supposed to be eaten, and I'm doing my best to figure out what I really want and why.

Update on the new hair cut. As expected, Hubby wasn't crazy about it. Maybe it will grow on him in time. Or I'll grow it out. But right now I'm really liking the change.