Adieu

Well, I'm almost ready. The bags are packed, the house is relatively clean. I'm leaving for Washington D.C. in a few hours and then tomorrow I'm on the plane to the United Kingdom.

I woke up this morning not feeling well at all and worried that my sinus infection might be returning. I called my doctor's office and pleaded with them to give me another round of antibiotics to take with me just in case. Fortunately, they called in a prescription for me. I do feel better this afternoon, but I don't want to take the chance of going over there and then getting terribly sick. I don't relish wasting a day of my vacation in a British health clinic. I'd rather have the pills with me and not take them than get over there and wish I had them.

I forgot to update everyone on my haircut. I've gotten rave reviews from friends and family, and even my husband liked it once I styled it. He said my hairstylist made it look too helmet-like and it scared him.

I may try to post while I'm "across the pond" -- my friend is bringing a laptop and I could probably get online over there and type up a few lines. But I won't promise anything, because something tells me we'll be busy busy busy.

Wish me safe travels and I will post lots of pictures when I return.

Ta ta for now!

Getting Ready

Every day I say I'm going to post, and then something happens and I don't get to it.

It's no surprise -- I'm counting down the very few days left until I leave for London. I'm packing up my sundry items, picking out coordinating outfits (I'm packing light and being as mix-and-match as possible), making sure I leave copies of my passport and my itinerary for my family, figuring out what goes in my check-in luggage and what I'm carrying on board with me.

Not to mention making sure my husband and daughter can get through the week without me. I'm printing up schedules, to-do lists and reminders of where my daughter needs to be and what my husband needs to do around the house. I've been briefing my mother on morning routines, since she'll be getting my daughter ready for school in the mornings (my husband leaves for work at 6:30 a.m. and my daughter doesn't leave until 7:50) I've arranged for my brother-in-law to drive her to school, since he already takes my nephew every day and they live just a block or so away.

For those of you new to my world and haven't read my old post, this trip caused some major strife in my life when it first came up. My good friends from my days as a newspaper person arranged this week-long trip and invited me to come along. From the moment I mentioned I was thinking about going, my husband was not happy about it, even though he takes a yearly fishing trip to Alaska with his buddies and leaves my daughter and I home alone for a week. The more I debated going the more displeased he was, and it escalated to the point that he dragged his parents into it to try to gang up on me. This made me even more stubborn and determined to go, and I did finally book my airline ticket and make my lodging reservations almost in spite of their protests.

Things did calm down over this skirmish -- my husband and I were able to talk things out and come to an understanding. As for the in-laws? Well, we've basically taken the path of "let's pretend it never happened and never discuss it." In fact, this past Sunday was the first time since this began in the early fall that my MIL ever uttered a single word about my trip. I guess it's hard to deny when it's a week away!

Throughout these preparations I've been trying my best to stick to my 2008 goals. I've been doing really well with taking my vitamins and supplements, and I really think it's helped my energy level. The exercise is going so-so: I've been pretty regular with my exercises on my stability ball, but the treadmill walking has been more erratic. The food is pretty hit and miss; sometimes I feel pretty intuitive about my eating, then there are times I find myself pretty compulsive or emotional when it comes to food. But more than once I've caught myself before I do it and can prevent or interrupt myself before I go over the deep end. I'm squeezing in as much "inspirational" reading as I can, and like I mentioned above, the blogging is coming in fits and starts. I suppose I should be pleased that I've been able to do this much so soon into the year. I initially said I would do this in baby steps, which I thought would be doing one thing perfectly, then moving on to the next goal. But I need to stay away from the whole perfection trap and learn to appreciate what I can do, no matter how imperfect.

Here's the bad news: I think I'm coming down with another cold! I just finished my antibiotics for my sinus infection a week ago, and it's bumming me out that I'm feeling lousy again so soon. I'm loading up on Echinacea with my vitamins and hoping I can knock it out of my system before I leave Friday evening. If I'm worse on Friday, I'm going to try to get to the doctor that day and get any meds I might need so I can wipe it out for sure at the very beginning of the trip. But hopefully it is just a cold and I don't need more antibiotics.

I'm hoping to post once more before I leave with any final pre-trip thoughts.

Food Drama at the Mega-Mart

I had some interesting food experiences yesterday. Hubby wasn't going to be home for supper, so I decided to get some Chinese for my daughter, since it's her favorite food and we don't go as a family because it seriously disagrees with Hubby's digestive system.

The way my schedule worked, the only time I could get the food was around 2:30 in the afternoon. It was early, but no insanely so -- we had to leave for my daughter's gymnastics lesson at 5 p.m., so we basically have to eat in the 4 o'clock hour anyway.

But I decided yesterday to eat mine even earlier, around 3. This felt odd, but the food smelled so good, I hadn't eaten a lot throughout the day and figured what the heck. I had two helpings and put the rest away for when my daughter came home from school.

I actually felt kind of rebellious about eating what was going to be my supper so early in the day. But the food stuck with me pretty well, and I wasn't tempted to go all "Hobbit" and eat a second supper at 6 p.m.

I did go shopping during the two-hour gymnastics class, and I had a whole little mini-drama at the worldwide mega-store that my friends and I have named the "Evil Empire." I don't particularly love going to this monster store, but in the very rural, sparsely populated area where I live, there's very little choice in the matter.

The drama ensued as I started thinking about buying a roll of cookie dough. Back at the beginning of my "dark period," I would regularly buy one and spoon the whole thing into my gullet in a numbing, calorie-laden binge. I haven't done this in a couple of months now, which has been a small victory in my mind as I try to recover.

So what made me suddenly want one of these binge foods again? Was it the little child in me, the spoiled brat wanting to exert her control in to spite the 2008 goals I have set for myself? Is part of me feeling the slightest pangs of deprivation as I try to be more conscious of what, when and why I'm eating. I'm not dieting or restricting, but still, there seem to be some kind of boundaries or rules coming back into play, and the knee-jerk reaction is to rebel against that.

I'm definitely nervous about preparing for my upcoming trip to London (I'm leaving Jan. 25!). Making sure I have everything packed, that I don't forget anything important, and of course the stress of traveling and the joys of airports. I also have this dread about the state of my house when I return, because my 9 year-old daughter and 40-something husband are pretty much equal in their abilities to clean up after themselves (not very good). Throw two very rambunctious Labradors into the mix, and who knows what disasters I will come home to Feb. 1. So it's no wonder I'm looking for something to calm me down.

But as I trolled the aisles I tried to rationalize all of this in my head. Would a roll of cookie dough really help me? How would I feel after I ate it? I tried to really focus on and break down what I was craving food-wise and figure out what would satisfy that without making me feel sluggish and half-nauseated afterwards.

I determined I wanted something with chocolate, but not something hard like a candy bar. I wanted something soft, but not as cold as ice cream. I wound up in the dairy aisle looking at the pudding cups, and the only flavor that appealed to me was the double chocolate flavor, which happened to be 100-calorie and fat free. I picked up the package of six cups and walked away kind of surprised at myself.

Even more shocking? Before I left the dairy section I found myself picking up a container of cottage cheese. I haven't eaten this stuff in months and months, sick to death of it after eating it constantly in my dieting days. The very thought of it repulsed me and I avoided it like the plague. But I realized I could really go for a small bowl of this with some pineapple mixed in for some added sweetness.

I viewed all of these incidents as signs of progress -- I'm slowly losing my biases against certain foods and breaking down the associations I've placed on them. I'm loosening my rules of when a meal is supposed to be eaten, and I'm doing my best to figure out what I really want and why.

Update on the new hair cut. As expected, Hubby wasn't crazy about it. Maybe it will grow on him in time. Or I'll grow it out. But right now I'm really liking the change.

So Far So Good

Since Monday I've been doing my best to do the things I listed in my 2008 goals. And so far, I've been doing pretty well. I've been taking my vitamins, getting in some regular exercise, and doing more reading and blogging. I'm certainly not perfect, but being okay with that is one of my goals, too.

The eating is so-so. I've been trying to subtly cut portions (getting the amount I know will satisfy me and not stuff me) and have been trying to choose foods with the most nutritional punch. I'm not banning any certain foods, but I'm not going out of my way to buy, look for or eat "junk" food (this is mainly candy, cookies, anything high sugar and fat and not much else). I did eat two pieces of candy on Monday, but the way I see it, it was better than eating 12! (And I had no desire, too, either.)

Last night we had a dinner for the church council and staff, and I have to say I did eat to excess there. There were a couple reasons for that. Physically, I let myself get too hungry, and by the time we finally ate, I was gobbling. Emotionally, I know part of it was out of unease and awkwardness. I'm definitely an introvert, and occasions like those often make me nervous and unsure of myself, so I tend to hide in the food.

But I'm staying positive. I recognized the reasons why, and having recognized them, maybe I can learn to find alternate ways of coping.

I did a big thing for myself today. I went for a haircut, and I made the courageous move and asked for advice because I wanted a change. Since I adopted my daughter nine years ago I've kept my hair pretty short, and last year I started trying to grow it out. It's still not long, hardly even mid-length, but it's probably the longest I've had it this decade. But the last few months I found myself more and more disappointed with it. Maybe it had to do with the girl who was cutting it -- the last time she cut my hair I left the salon and actually disliked it more than I had when I walked in!

So this time I got the other girl who works at the salon, and we went through hairstyle magazines until we found two photos, that when merged, we thought would work with my hair. I almost hate to admit this, but I've gone with a bob with bangs very reminiscent of Katie Holmes. Here's another photo ensemble of her current style, and I'm somewhere in between the three styles.

Normally my hair is on the naturally wavy/almost curly side, and today the stylist straightened my hair to complete the look. And I have to admit I really liked it. So I guess I'll have to go out and buy one of those ceramic hair straightener doohickeys.

So far my mother and daughter have seen it and both like it, my daughter especially so. I thought she was going to hyperventilate she loved it so much! The true test will be my husband. I'm not sure what he'll think.

I feel kind of silly about this; throughout my life I've been a bit of a rebel when it came to popular hairstyles. I completely skipped the Farrah Fawcett 70s, the Madonna 80s and the Jennifer Aniston 90s. Why am I now caving into current trends? What can I say? It looks cute.

And darn it, what better way, non-food wise, to treat myself and make myself feel special than by getting a new hair cut? When I walked into the salon I felt weighed down by my lifeless, blah locks. Now I feel more groomed, sleeker and more stylish. Not bad for less than $20!

A New Year, A New Blog, A New Beginning

Okay, so it's not the beginning of January. But it's still the first half, right? So I can still use the title above and not be lying.

I was going to start this new blog at the very beginning of the new year, but I got waylaid by a cold that quickly grew worse and turned into a sinus infection. After a doctor's visit and a prescription for antibiotics, I'm now feeling human again.

This ailment should have happened a few days before, because it was the final touch to a year that pretty much sucked. Sure, some good things happened here and there, but my mental state -- attitude, perspective, whatever you want to call it -- hit an all time low. The last six months have been like walking waist-deep through a muddy bog -- in the fog. Once in a while I would loosen a wet, muddy leg from the mire and think I was coming around, only to be once again sucked back into the sludge.

The last few weeks, however, I have started to see some patches of sunlight, and the ground seems to be firming up some under my feet. The malaise I've been suffering from has been letting up, and I've been feeling the urge to have goals -- hell, just wanting to give a damn about something again.

I know, it's pretty cliche to get all motivated and goal-oriented at the beginning of the year. I'm sure you've all noticed the glut of ads right now for diets, gym memberships, smoking cessation drugs and programs. There's something innate in us to want a fresh start, to open that new calendar and think of all the potential and opportunities in front of us. We all want that second chance (even though it may be the third, fourth or 40th for some of us) to get things right, to get our lives in order and improve ourselves.

I need another chance. I need to feel positive again after drowning in thoughts of failure, hopelessness and despair. My self-worth and esteem have really taken a blow, and I can't blame anyone else but myself for it. Call it burn-out, call it depression or hormonal imbalances, but it all adds up to me not taking care of myself like I should. It's a vicious cycle; when I feel bad about myself it leads to dysfunctional behaviors and thoughts, the results of which are feeling even worse.

More importantly, I need a change in my perspective. I need to rededicate myself and reconnect, not only to the people in my life, but especially to myself. I need to quit focusing on the negative in myself and others and learn to be grateful and look for the good things all around me.

So yes, I have goals for 2008, but I'm not following the old tradition of "I'm going to lose X pounds," "I'm going to fit in a size X," "I'm never going to eat X again" or "I'm going to work out X times a week." Those goals just don't work for me. They set me up for feelings of deprivation and punishment and sabotage me from the very beginning.

Here are my goals for the year , broken down into different sections:

BODY

1. Take my vitamins regularly. Dropping this habit was a sure sign I had no interest in taking care of myself. I'm back to my women's multivitamin, plus some extra calcium, flax seed oil and a helping of B complex to help rev up my dreadfully lacking energy.

2. Eat more fruit and vegetables. Another red flag that I just didn't care anymore. And there are lots of these things I simply love: berries, bananas, apples, pineapple; broccoli, asparagus, rutabagas, sweet potatoes and beans, just to scrape the surface. I've found it's more positive to think about the foods I need to ADD to my diet than to start banning or forbidding certain items.

3. Exercise. I'm not setting specific goals of how fast, how long or how hard I do it. I just need to move in a regular fashion again. I have written proof how much I fell in love with exercise, so it's kind of sad to see how I've let it fall to the wayside. So I'm letting myself start slowly with the things I enjoy: the treadmill and the stationary bike, the balance ball, yoga and/or Pilates.

MIND/SPIRIT

1. Meditation/Yoga. Even though I mentioned yoga above in the body section, so much of it has to do with the mind and spirit, too. In my goal of reconnecting with myself, this seems like the obvious way to learn to focus (or unfocus as the case may be!) on myself.

2. Reading. I haven't been keeping refreshed on all the resources that have helped me in this journey so far, and it's been so easy to forget and lose my way. Wayne Dyer, Eckhart Tolle, Karen Koenig and others have opened my eyes and given me new thoughts and perspectives on my life and behaviors. Whether it's conscious living, intuitive eating or the power of intention, all of these notions have been like epiphanies to me, and I have to keep reinforcing their ideas to make them stick.

3. Speaking Out. Whether it's unloading in therapy, writing on this blog, confiding to a friend, or being assertive with my family, I have to keep honest with myself with my issues and problems. A big contributor to my fog this past six months has been my "shutting down" in this area. I was getting overwhelmed with some situations in my life, and instead of standing up for myself, I gave up, curled up in a ball and ate. A lot. I have to look out for my best interests, because let's face it -- no one else is going to do it for me.

I know, this is a big list. It's a lot to do, and it's what I was trying to do when I crash landed six months ago. But this is life, and what I've been doing the past six months was not living. I may have been surviving, but definitely not thriving.

So, the overall goal for this year? To be patient with myself. To take things in baby steps and not demand perfection. I'll congratulate myself on what I can accomplish and not beat myself up for what doesn't get done. I'll take the time to look around me and see what I'm grateful for instead of focusing on all the "bad" things. If I can learn to do this, I think the rest will fall into place.