TMT in Action

This morning I had an incident that is perfect for Three Minute Therapy.

A. (Activating event): My daughter and I had a big discussion/argument about gymnastics. She has a meet this weekend and she thinks she needs to go to practice every night this week to get ready for it. I don't think she should be going every night because she'll be exhausted by the time the meet finally comes on Saturday. I told her I wasn't planning on taking her tonight, and I wished she had told me all of this last night when her father was home so we could discuss it. (One of the other moms and I trade off nights driving the kids to practice, and this was the other mom's night) It got even more confusing when she told me the other mom "might" take her again tonight because she's taking her daughter. But I couldn't get a solid answer on it.

At first she got very angry at me and was giving me terrible attitude, including aggressively tossing her agenda at me when I asked her for it so I could sign off on her homework. Then she went into martyr mode and first said she didn't want breakfast, then said she might not even want to go to the meet.

We also got into this frustrating and confusing conversation about the registration fee for the tournament. I paid a fee (to the gymnastics group) for a February match that was cancelled, and I assumed that fee would be applied to this March match. But now my daughter says she isn't sure this was applied to the March match or if we'll even get our money back for the February match. The coaches are NOT good at distributing information to the parents and my daughter's knowledge of what's going on is shaky and changes every five minutes.

B. (irrational Belief): My daughter SHOULD tell me what's going on at gymnastics as soon as she gets home. She SHOULD remember important details and SHOULD NOT change her story every five minutes. She MUST show me respect and not give me attitude. The coaches SHOULD be better at getting this information to the parents and SHOULD NOT rely on little kids to do it. I MUST know what's going on. I SHOULD be more proactive and chase these coaches down for information. I HATE it when I don't know what's going on, and I SHOULD NOT feel confused and out of control. I MUST not screw up this registration situation, which could keep my daughter from competing, or I will be a TERRIBLE mother.

C. (emotional Consequences): Anger and anxiety

D. (Disputing or questioning your "must," ) My daughter's 9 years old. Why should she be expected to remember details exactly and be responsible for relaying all important information to me as soon as possible? When my daughter joined this team no contract was signed by the coaches stating they must be excellent at communicating to the parents. Nor was there any rule that stated I had to chase them down to find out what's going on. Why should I be exempt from being out of the loop and out of control? And where is it written that messing up a registration fee makes me a terrible mother?

E. (Effective new thinking): I would PREFER that my daughter treat me with respect and not lash out at me, but at her maturity level it's normal for her to overreact or respond irrationally. It's frustrating when I have to deal with her anger or self-pity, but it is not something that should infuriate me. I would PREFER that my daughter report to me as soon as possible and accurately about important things. But she's an imperfect human child whose attention span is limited and whose priorities are not the same as mine, so it's to be expected that she would jumble or forget things. The fact is that from time to time that I won't know what's going on and will not be in control of every aspect of my life. This can be very frustrating, but not something that should make me anxious and upset. I would PREFER not to mess up the registration fee for this match, and it would be disappointing if she couldn't go, it would not be a tragedy. This one mistake will not change my overall definition as a person.

F. (new Feeling): frustration and a little confusion, but not anger and anxiety

What's so great about this method is that instead of feeling guilty for getting so angry and foolish for being so anxious, I can dissect the incident and get to the truth of the matter, which is that I'm not really angry at my daughter or the coaches, but all of my MUSTY thinking. And the anxiety comes from the harsh demands I put on myself and feeling scared and bad about myself because I'm not meeting those incredibly high and often irrational expectations.