Vacation-propelled Project

Today I tackled a project I am always procrastinating about -- uploading photos. In this digital age it's so easy to let these pictures pile up until you have hundreds lingering around on these little memory cards. I have a digital camera, my daughter has one that I use a lot, and then there's my cell phone camera, too. So I spent this morning going through all three and realizing it's been MONTHS since I've gone through them.

I've been reticent about looking at any recent photos because of my regain. But I was pleasantly surprised when I found this one at right. It was taken at Easter, when I was feeling particularly bad about myself, and honest to God, I think I look okay. Of course, this isn't a full body shot, which means I get to ignore a lot, but I can see that I still have a neck (believe me, there was a point in my life that I had a lot less of one), and that I can still look fairly decent with a little makeup, etc. The funny thing is, most of the time now I feel pretty much the same about my body as I did when I was thinner. I have certain parts of my body that bother me more than others, and they bothered me just as much if not more when I was spending all my time trying to lose weight. I don't know if I'm starting to finally learn a little self-acceptance, or if it's shoving my head in the sand and living in the land of denial, but I don't seem to detest my body as much as I used to.

The reason I finally tackled the photo backlog was our recent trip to Rehoboth Beach, Delaware. We definitely had a fun time and the weather cooperated with us. I must admit I spent the majority of my beach time under an umbrella reading a good book and listening to my satellite radio (have I mentioned just how much I love Sirius? Our government needs to stop crappin' around and let them merge with XM already!). You also always find yourself people watching, and it was interesting to see the immense varieties of sizes, shapes, colors and ages you see walking around in swim suits. It makes you realize that life isn't a beauty pageant and you might as well just put the suit on and not worry about the cellulite and love handles. Isn't it better to live your life and accept yourself instead of hiding away and never venturing out because we don't meet some unrealistic standard?

Being the foodies we are, vacations have a lot to do with the meals and treats we find away from home. My husband introduced me to this crêperie on a little side street off the main strip. He and his family always went there and reveled in this French delicacy, whether it's sweet (Nutella and strawberries are my favorite), or a savory one like Hubby's ham, tomato and cheese one at right. They also sell croissants, and the big decision is whether to get the crepe or the croissant. My husband, of course, got both. I decided to go with the croissant, and I took one bite of his crepe just to try it. And while it tasted great, that one bite was enough.

In fact, my foodie tendencies were quite subdued on the whole trip. In the past, before we even left home I would stock up on a bunch of snacks for the road trip and the hotel room. This year I didn't do it for myself (although I did get some things for Hubby, daughter and her friend) and I didn't even miss it. The only thing I brought for myself was some flavored seltzer water because I know how hard it is to find in convenience stores and vending machines. Both days at the beach I did not spend the whole time thinking about what I could be eating from the boardwalk. Amazingly, both days at lunch all I ate were my daughter's leftover french fries with vinegar, and I was perfectly satisfied with that. In this instance I didn't mind eating what she left behind because they were the fries most drenched in vinegar. Yum!

I did buy some treats, but not nearly in the volume I have in the past. There's one kind of fudge I absolutely love from a candy store on the boardwalk, and normally I bring a whole pound home and eat every ounce of it. This year I decided to only get 1/4 pound. I ate it all myself, of course, but I felt just as content -- and I probably felt less sick to my stomach -- having eaten so much less.

Now, I was not a "perfect" eater; at supper time I definitely ate a lot, certainly overeating in most books, but I found myself much more particular about what I ate. I didn't clean my plate just because it was there and I didn't want to "waste" it. I was actually okay taking one or two bites of something just to savor the taste of it, and leaving the rest behind.

So I wasn't perfect. But I certainly felt a lot more "normal" about food and eating, and it was a really nice feeling. I hope it's a continuing trend.

Off to Make New Memories (and re-live old ones)

After some discussion, we finally decided to splurge a little with our rebate check and go to the beach this week. We're trying to be a little economical and go Tuesday, Wednesday and come back home Thursday, when the hotel rates are cheaper. Hopefully the beach won't be as crowded during the week, too.

We are going to Rehoboth Beach in Delaware. Since meeting my husband we've been going annually, which was fun for me because before that I hadn't gone since I was six years old. In those days my mother's cousin owned a beach house down the coast on Dewey Beach, and we (my mom, sister and I) would go down with cousins or friends while my Dad and his friends would go out west to fish for trout. This "girl trip" was always a lot of fun, even that last year when I had to go with my finger wrapped up in bandages after breaking it in a freak door-slamming accident. I can still vividly remember distracting myself while my mom changed the dressing on it (it looked pretty gross to a 6 year-old) by reading my first Wonder Woman comic book.

Sometimes I really think I have some sort of psychic abilities. I'm not saying I can foretell the future or find missing children, but there are these uncanny coincidences always seem to happen to me and the people close to me. A lot of it happens with the phone: sometimes I'll know exactly who's on the phone and what they want before I even see the Caller ID; more than once I've picked up the phone to call someone, and before I can dial the phone rings and it's them. Or I get the call through and it just so happens they were getting ready to call me.

I'm not going to go into the whole long list of incidents, but here's the most recent one. I have not talked to my dad since last Sunday, so I haven't informed him that we're going to Rehoboth. Yet this morning I checked my email and saw a message from my dad -- which is odd enough, because he rarely e-mails me -- which contained these photos. (Sorry they're small -- it's all I could download and save from Dad's email)

I had almost forgotten that my dad and his friend owned a boat called the Rusty Nail -- yeah, a real luxury yacht! -- and they kept it docked on the Indian River Inlet, which is in the Rehoboth area. That's me in the photo on the left, dressed in pink and looking like I'm on the telephone with someone. Even though it was so long ago -- in my preschool days! -- I can still remember pieces of these adventures out to sea, posing for the camera and holding a fish that was as long as I was tall, staying in our friend's camper, even the night we had a flat tire on the Bay Bridge. They were such fun times, in the days before my parents' marriage went downhill and life was still carefree and happy.

Maybe that's why I still have this fondness for these trips to Rehoboth, and I now try to create new happy memories for my daughter in this same location. Coincidentally, my husband and his family also made many summer trips to this beach, too, so we're both able to relive our childhoods through these visits. I'll try to take some photos while we're there and share them with you when we get back.

Leaving Food on the Plate

For the past two weeks I've been plugging away at this Intuitive Eating business, and I have to say it's been going pretty well. I've been reading my IE e-mails (I'm signed up for a couple yahoo forums that send me digests of posts), as well as finding some new resources online and in book form.

Here's the biggest accomplishment, and I'm willing to attribute some (if not a lot) of this to the Intuitive Eating hypnosis/meditation CD I've been listening to every night. More and more I'm able to leave food on my plate -- even throw it away!!!-- and not feel anxious, unhappy or deprived when I do it. This has been one of my biggest challenges, and it feels so liberating to be able to dump that food in the garbage and not be gripped by this compulsive need not to "waste" it.

I come from a family who shares this fear of wasting or throwing something away, just in case "you might need it later." So I know part of it is a learned belief that has been ingrained into my head all of my life. In the case of food, even if it wasn't that good, or if a certain food lost its appeal half-way through, I'd eat it all anyway because doing anything else would be (gasp!) wasteful.

But part of it, too, is the whole issue of deprivation and in turn "treating" myself with food. I have always felt that if I didn't eat everything on my plate --even if I was full or if it wasn't all that good -- I was taking comfort away from myself, in other words punishing myself.

For a long time I've been reading about changing my beliefs, which would then change my behavior (otherwise known as cognitive behavioral therapy), but it always seemed so difficult to put that theory into practice and actually believe it. But right now it all seems to be clicking. Instead of feeling deprived, I feel I'm giving myself the very best of my meal and not wasting my time -- perhaps even punishing myself ?-- with food that doesn't meet my standards.

For example, the other night we ate out for dinner. My meal came with two little rolls (2 to 2.5 inches in diameter), a dinner roll and a sticky roll. My daughter ate the dinner roll because it's her favorite. I looked at my sticky roll and noticed that the edges looked dry, but the center looked moist and tasty. In the past, not wanting to "waste," I would eat the edges first and save the best part for last. That way even though the whole thing wasn't that delicious, at least the last bite would be great.

This time, however, I picked the edges off and put them aside, and I only ate the center. My husband looked at my plate of discarded roll in a quizzical way, and I tried to explain to him that I only ate the best part and didn't bother with the rest. The best part was, I wasn't doing it because I "should" to be a good Intuitive Eater; it's what I truly believed.


The real test for me was this past July 4th weekend. I had two family picnics and a two meals out with my friends, events that have always led me to compulsive eating that left me feeling stuffed and miserable. At both picnics and the dinner party at my friend's house I was really selective on what I put on my plate. At the first picnic and the dinner party I chose to leave food on my plate and even threw it away. At the second picnic I did clean my plate, but I noticed that I picked up much less food than I usually do and did not continue to pick at things the rest of the day. At the meal out with my friends, I ordered less food than most people at the table, and I actually wound up being one of only two who brought leftovers home, which I ate today at lunch.

Throughout all of these meals/events I did not feel compelled to eat and eat and eat because it was there or because "everyone else is doing it." I by no means estimated calories or the "fattening" quotient of the food I selected. I picked what looked delicious to me, and if it wasn't, I didn't finish it.

I can't tell you if I'm losing weight. For one, I haven't weighed myself. And I don't want to, because I know it will trigger nothing but negativity whether the number's up or down. If I've gained, I'll get bummed out and feel like I'm not making "progress;" if the number's down, my perfectionism will kick in and I'll be tempted to start restricting or counting calories to do even better. Right now I'm rating my success by other means: my clothes aren't getting tighter; I don't walk away from a meal or end the day feeling stuffed and miserable; I don't feel anxious, resentful or deprived. Psychologically speaking, those are much healthier guidelines for me to follow right now.

Once I start digging into the new books and resources I've been investigating, I'll let you know what I think. Hang in there!