The last couple days I've been telling a few people about what I feel is helping me a lot in my current battle with my eating issues. I feel a little weird about doing this, for a couple reasons: number one, I'm rarely one to toot my own horn, number two, I'm one of those superstitious types who are afraid I'll jinx the whole thing and it won't work anymore.

Plus I'm not even that confident that it's working: is it really the placebo effect, or maybe just the arrival of spring? I have to realize, however, that no matter what it is, for whatever reason, it is working.

Last year I started doing some self-hypnosis CDs, and at first they seemed to be working well. I downloaded them into my MP3 player and listened to them at night before I fell asleep, and I liked the positive messages and relaxation techniques in them. But then I fell into my depression and let it slide. While I still like those CDs, I must admit I've tried something new.

Anyone who gets e-mails from a certain book seller probably got inundated with the same e-mails I did about Paul McKenna's book "I Can Make You Thin." I had heard about the TV show of the same name that ran on a cable channel last year, but I never watched it. I'd heard of Paul before -- actually, I remember a number of his appearances on The Howard Stern Show, and he always seemed to be very effective there. So, having a gift card for the book seller, I clicked on the link and looked at the book and its reviews. Since the reviews were primarily positive and I wasn't paying anything out of my own pocket, I ordered the book and figured it couldn't hurt to try.

The book itself it basically a rehashing of the Intuitive Eating principles I've been trying to follow for the past few years. It was a nice repackaging of those "rules" and it was a nice, quick read. Kind of like a refresher course! I then downloaded the CD to my MP3 player and started listening to it at night.

While I'm still cautious about calling myself a success story, for now it seems to be helping me a lot. It happened by degrees over the last two months, but now, for the first time, the IE principles (eat when you're hungry, eat what you want, eat until you're satisfied) feel very second nature to me.

Here's a perfect example: this past Saturday night my husband was craving pizza from his favorite pizzeria. We went and ran into my mother, so we all went together. Mom and I ordered a medium pizza with green peppers and onions (my favorite!) and I dug in and enjoyed every bite. But after two pieces, I looked down at the remaining pizza and just knew that I was done. I was by no means full, but I reached this level of satisfaction I've been calling my "sweet spot." I didn't hear the old voices in my head, the ones that either make me feel deprived for stopping or else urging me on to eat it all.

The best news of all? Last post I was worried about the post-stress need to overeat, and I'm happy to say it never happened. I did have one evening of anxiety, which in the past would have driven me to dig into the boxes of Girl Scout cookies I have sitting in the dining room. Yet I never cracked open a single box.

Again, I don't know if I'm just on a "high" right now and in a few weeks this will all fall to pieces once the novelty has worn off. But for now it's working for me, and I'm going to continue to do it.

What a Pain

Okay, I realize it's been almost a month to the day since I've posted last. I'm not pleased with that, and apologize to those who've posted messages here and I haven't responded right away.

For three and a half weeks I've been dealing with nearly constant pain in my neck, shoulder and arm, with some infrequent tingling in both arms. For those of you who have been with me from the beginning of my blogging life, you'll know about my previous problems in this area, which is fully documented in this old blog entry.

I have tremendous respect for people who deal with permanent chronic pain, because these past three weeks have been tough. I rarely get through a full night's sleep without waking up with my shoulder and arm in agony.

You may wonder if I'm getting this treated. Almost two weeks ago I called my surgeon, but it right before Memorial Day and he was away. To add to it, he is based out of Pittsburgh and only visits our Podunk little area once a week. But the nurse knew me from my previous visits there and took my health insurance information. The hope was that we could get an MRI scheduled and the doctor could have it on hand when I have my appointment. Well, because MRIs are so expensive, my health insurance won't approve it until they receive doctor's "notes." So now I have to wait until June 23 to even see the guy so he can write something up, THEN wait for approval from the health insurance, then get the MRI scheduled, have it done, then wait God knows how long to get another appointment with the doctor!

So in the meantime I'm popping Ibuprofen, trying to do the stretching exercises I learned in physical therapy last time, and icing the shoulder down. I did heat at first, which turned out to be a mistake, because while it felt good at first, it seemed to make the area even more inflamed later, and seemed to be causing the excruciating pain I was having at night. The cold treatment has cut that down greatly, thank goodness. It's still not gone, though. Sleeping involves a complicated operation of body and pillow positioning that still never gives me a completely pain-free night.

On the bright side, I really think the Clearing Emotional Blocks hypnosis CD I started last month has kept me sane through all of this. My irritability and frustration has been quite low, and I can only attribute my level of tolerance and calm to that half an hour I spend every night listening to the CD and relaxing my body while listening to those positive, affirmative statements and suggestions.

In fact, I truly believe the CD has helped me throughout my life. I'm much more patient with my family, which I'm really glad about because I didn't like how frazzled I would get in the mornings trying to get my daughter despite her lack of organization and tiny attention span. I feel calmer throughout the day and have found it easier to speak my mind in a calm, confident way. I have had a goodly number of stresses in my life right now -- I'll get to some here when I can -- and I'm amazed that I've been able to handle them as well as I have.

Now that my first month is over, I'm now beginning a month of the second CD, Intuitive Eating for Weight Release. I'm really hoping the CD will help me as much as the first one has.

A New Tool

Lately I have been trying to get back to reading IE forums and web sites, hoping something will click with me again. One of my favorites is from Linda Moran, whose book I read and liked. A few days ago she invited a hypnotherapist, Jennifer Poole, to the forum. She described what she does on a one-on-one basis, as well as her self-hypnosis/meditation CDs that she sells.

I went to her web site (www.EFTHypnosis.com) and looked around, and then I did some general searches online about hypnosis. What I liked about Jennifer's work is that she isn't about dieting per se. What she recommends is for people to first use her CD Clearing Emotional Blocks for a month, then use the Intuitive Eating for Weight Release CD. This all ties in with the work I've done in the past, particularly Karen Koenig, who stresses that to find a healthy relationship with food, we must first have a healthy relationship with our emotions.

I wondered if I would be a good candidate for hypnosis, and I did find some interesting sites online that can help you determine if it might work for you (like this one). One of the articles I read said that if you can really lose yourself in a movie, that's a good sign. I have always been like that and it seems to get stronger the older I get. A few weeks ago I watched "No Country for Old Men" and it made me physically unwell dealing with the suspense and violence involved. I got anxious, my stomach was in knots, and I actually had to leave the room at one point. Also, when I write (which I have been doing regularly -- hooray for me), if I'm working on a very intense scene I actually place myself in the character's place and wind up feeling all the emotions to help myself fully describe what's going on. I always considered these things to mean I was a very empathic person, and apparently it means hypnosis might work for me.

I did some e-mailing on the forum and received replies from both Linda and Jennifer that I really appreciated. Having some bonus dollars racked up on my credit card, I cashed them in and ordered the two CDs. They arrived in the mail yesterday.

I told my one friend about this purchase (before I received the CDs) and her reaction wasn't the greatest; she wasn't mean about it, but she definitely seemed to think it was a silly idea. I know that hypnosis has this reputation as a parlor trick a form of entertainment or a scam, but I've always been intrigued by it. Ages ago I asked my therapist about it (because someone asked me about it and I wanted her opinion to give them) and she raved about the success she had with it in the scope of pain management.

Now that I've done the first CD two times (it's recommended to do it once a day for the first month), I can give my initial review of it. Hypnosis has this connotation that it takes over your mind and makes you do and believe crazy things (i.e., every time you hear the word "hello" you'll bark like a dog). It's not a magic spell. As far as this CD goes, it is definitely part meditation, part visualization, plus a nice dose of reinforcement and affirmation to boot.

For a long time I've been "shoulding" myself about meditation. I've read and heard about it in many different avenues, and it really seemed like something that would benefit me. I let myself get too stressed out and worked up about things, and I have trouble finding ways to relax and let go that don't involve food. I would tell myself I would start doing it, but then I wouldn't know where to begin and worry that I wouldn't do it "right" (yes, Ms. Perfectionist!). So, for that reason alone, this CD is good for me. It guides you through a relaxation process that aids you in ridding yourself of the annoyances and problems that are floating in your conscious mind at that point in time.

The messages in the CD really hit home for me. I've always been plagued with feelings of low self-worth, that I'm damaged in some essential way, that I'll never be good enough, and these are all addressed in a positive, affirming way. One of the most powerful for me was when she simply said "you are okay." Such a small thing when you look at it here, but wow did it affect me. The first time through I had these thoughts arise in me of, "really? I really am okay?" that caused this burning in my chest like the onset of crying, but it passed without me forcing it away. In my regular, uptight state I would have confronted these positive, self-loving statements with my usual cynical, self-defense mode of "yeah, right." But in that relaxed state I was actually able to listen and for a moment believe that it's really possible to feel okay about myself. The best part for me is that after these statements it is suggested to say the word "yes" in your mind to help in the acceptance of these new beliefs.

When it's over and I get up, I feel so calm and content. I don't know if it's the relaxation part of it or the positive messages coming at me, or a combination of the two. I'm excited to see what happens after a week, then the month. And of course I'm really curious to find out what the second CD is all about.

Do I think hypnosis is a magic pill? Of course not. Like any other tool I'm using, whether it's talk therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, medications or exercise, it only helps you when you use it. I'm sure like any of the other above mentioned methods, you can't just do it once or twice and expect to be cured forever. You only get a long-term benefit if you continue to do it in the long term. So, like everything else, the trick is to make the time and effort to make this an everyday part of my life. Because with every new tool I find, I seem to get a little bit better. Hopefully I'll soon have enough of an arsenal to really make some progress with this battle I've been waging with myself.