Getting Ready

Every day I say I'm going to post, and then something happens and I don't get to it.

It's no surprise -- I'm counting down the very few days left until I leave for London. I'm packing up my sundry items, picking out coordinating outfits (I'm packing light and being as mix-and-match as possible), making sure I leave copies of my passport and my itinerary for my family, figuring out what goes in my check-in luggage and what I'm carrying on board with me.

Not to mention making sure my husband and daughter can get through the week without me. I'm printing up schedules, to-do lists and reminders of where my daughter needs to be and what my husband needs to do around the house. I've been briefing my mother on morning routines, since she'll be getting my daughter ready for school in the mornings (my husband leaves for work at 6:30 a.m. and my daughter doesn't leave until 7:50) I've arranged for my brother-in-law to drive her to school, since he already takes my nephew every day and they live just a block or so away.

For those of you new to my world and haven't read my old post, this trip caused some major strife in my life when it first came up. My good friends from my days as a newspaper person arranged this week-long trip and invited me to come along. From the moment I mentioned I was thinking about going, my husband was not happy about it, even though he takes a yearly fishing trip to Alaska with his buddies and leaves my daughter and I home alone for a week. The more I debated going the more displeased he was, and it escalated to the point that he dragged his parents into it to try to gang up on me. This made me even more stubborn and determined to go, and I did finally book my airline ticket and make my lodging reservations almost in spite of their protests.

Things did calm down over this skirmish -- my husband and I were able to talk things out and come to an understanding. As for the in-laws? Well, we've basically taken the path of "let's pretend it never happened and never discuss it." In fact, this past Sunday was the first time since this began in the early fall that my MIL ever uttered a single word about my trip. I guess it's hard to deny when it's a week away!

Throughout these preparations I've been trying my best to stick to my 2008 goals. I've been doing really well with taking my vitamins and supplements, and I really think it's helped my energy level. The exercise is going so-so: I've been pretty regular with my exercises on my stability ball, but the treadmill walking has been more erratic. The food is pretty hit and miss; sometimes I feel pretty intuitive about my eating, then there are times I find myself pretty compulsive or emotional when it comes to food. But more than once I've caught myself before I do it and can prevent or interrupt myself before I go over the deep end. I'm squeezing in as much "inspirational" reading as I can, and like I mentioned above, the blogging is coming in fits and starts. I suppose I should be pleased that I've been able to do this much so soon into the year. I initially said I would do this in baby steps, which I thought would be doing one thing perfectly, then moving on to the next goal. But I need to stay away from the whole perfection trap and learn to appreciate what I can do, no matter how imperfect.

Here's the bad news: I think I'm coming down with another cold! I just finished my antibiotics for my sinus infection a week ago, and it's bumming me out that I'm feeling lousy again so soon. I'm loading up on Echinacea with my vitamins and hoping I can knock it out of my system before I leave Friday evening. If I'm worse on Friday, I'm going to try to get to the doctor that day and get any meds I might need so I can wipe it out for sure at the very beginning of the trip. But hopefully it is just a cold and I don't need more antibiotics.

I'm hoping to post once more before I leave with any final pre-trip thoughts.

A New Year, A New Blog, A New Beginning

Okay, so it's not the beginning of January. But it's still the first half, right? So I can still use the title above and not be lying.

I was going to start this new blog at the very beginning of the new year, but I got waylaid by a cold that quickly grew worse and turned into a sinus infection. After a doctor's visit and a prescription for antibiotics, I'm now feeling human again.

This ailment should have happened a few days before, because it was the final touch to a year that pretty much sucked. Sure, some good things happened here and there, but my mental state -- attitude, perspective, whatever you want to call it -- hit an all time low. The last six months have been like walking waist-deep through a muddy bog -- in the fog. Once in a while I would loosen a wet, muddy leg from the mire and think I was coming around, only to be once again sucked back into the sludge.

The last few weeks, however, I have started to see some patches of sunlight, and the ground seems to be firming up some under my feet. The malaise I've been suffering from has been letting up, and I've been feeling the urge to have goals -- hell, just wanting to give a damn about something again.

I know, it's pretty cliche to get all motivated and goal-oriented at the beginning of the year. I'm sure you've all noticed the glut of ads right now for diets, gym memberships, smoking cessation drugs and programs. There's something innate in us to want a fresh start, to open that new calendar and think of all the potential and opportunities in front of us. We all want that second chance (even though it may be the third, fourth or 40th for some of us) to get things right, to get our lives in order and improve ourselves.

I need another chance. I need to feel positive again after drowning in thoughts of failure, hopelessness and despair. My self-worth and esteem have really taken a blow, and I can't blame anyone else but myself for it. Call it burn-out, call it depression or hormonal imbalances, but it all adds up to me not taking care of myself like I should. It's a vicious cycle; when I feel bad about myself it leads to dysfunctional behaviors and thoughts, the results of which are feeling even worse.

More importantly, I need a change in my perspective. I need to rededicate myself and reconnect, not only to the people in my life, but especially to myself. I need to quit focusing on the negative in myself and others and learn to be grateful and look for the good things all around me.

So yes, I have goals for 2008, but I'm not following the old tradition of "I'm going to lose X pounds," "I'm going to fit in a size X," "I'm never going to eat X again" or "I'm going to work out X times a week." Those goals just don't work for me. They set me up for feelings of deprivation and punishment and sabotage me from the very beginning.

Here are my goals for the year , broken down into different sections:

BODY

1. Take my vitamins regularly. Dropping this habit was a sure sign I had no interest in taking care of myself. I'm back to my women's multivitamin, plus some extra calcium, flax seed oil and a helping of B complex to help rev up my dreadfully lacking energy.

2. Eat more fruit and vegetables. Another red flag that I just didn't care anymore. And there are lots of these things I simply love: berries, bananas, apples, pineapple; broccoli, asparagus, rutabagas, sweet potatoes and beans, just to scrape the surface. I've found it's more positive to think about the foods I need to ADD to my diet than to start banning or forbidding certain items.

3. Exercise. I'm not setting specific goals of how fast, how long or how hard I do it. I just need to move in a regular fashion again. I have written proof how much I fell in love with exercise, so it's kind of sad to see how I've let it fall to the wayside. So I'm letting myself start slowly with the things I enjoy: the treadmill and the stationary bike, the balance ball, yoga and/or Pilates.

MIND/SPIRIT

1. Meditation/Yoga. Even though I mentioned yoga above in the body section, so much of it has to do with the mind and spirit, too. In my goal of reconnecting with myself, this seems like the obvious way to learn to focus (or unfocus as the case may be!) on myself.

2. Reading. I haven't been keeping refreshed on all the resources that have helped me in this journey so far, and it's been so easy to forget and lose my way. Wayne Dyer, Eckhart Tolle, Karen Koenig and others have opened my eyes and given me new thoughts and perspectives on my life and behaviors. Whether it's conscious living, intuitive eating or the power of intention, all of these notions have been like epiphanies to me, and I have to keep reinforcing their ideas to make them stick.

3. Speaking Out. Whether it's unloading in therapy, writing on this blog, confiding to a friend, or being assertive with my family, I have to keep honest with myself with my issues and problems. A big contributor to my fog this past six months has been my "shutting down" in this area. I was getting overwhelmed with some situations in my life, and instead of standing up for myself, I gave up, curled up in a ball and ate. A lot. I have to look out for my best interests, because let's face it -- no one else is going to do it for me.

I know, this is a big list. It's a lot to do, and it's what I was trying to do when I crash landed six months ago. But this is life, and what I've been doing the past six months was not living. I may have been surviving, but definitely not thriving.

So, the overall goal for this year? To be patient with myself. To take things in baby steps and not demand perfection. I'll congratulate myself on what I can accomplish and not beat myself up for what doesn't get done. I'll take the time to look around me and see what I'm grateful for instead of focusing on all the "bad" things. If I can learn to do this, I think the rest will fall into place.