Here We Go Again

On Monday my dear husband started his low carbohydrate diet. He got this plan from some doctor or hospital back in the Atkins/South Beach heyday and lost a considerable amount of weight on it the first time he did it.

My sweetheart always tells everyone how well this diet works, and I always have to bite my tongue. Okay, in theory, the diet is supposed to work because by drastically reducing carbs and eating more protein and fat, our bodies are supposed to naturally lose by burning stored body fat more efficiently. But let's face it: any diet that reduces calories will work, but how effective is it when you hate doing it, and once you quit doing it, you gain all if not most of the weight back that you've lost. By Monday night my husband was already craving carbs, so I'm sitting back and waiting to see what happens.

Now, don't think I'm not being a supportive wife. I went grocery shopping last night and got him supplies for his diet -- green veggies and full-fat salad dressing, meats and cheeses, and nuts for snacks. But at the same time, I have a daughter who is in top physical condition from competitive gymnastics and is what I consider a normal eater. She needs a well-balanced diet for her three-hour gymnastic practices, and an essential part of that is carbohydrates. The trick with her is steering her towards healthier carbs. While her adoration of white rice knows no bounds, she has no problem with brown rice and will also eat other grains like quinoa. She also really loves beans, especially Lima beans. So I need to make sure she's getting that part of the food pyramid while her father is abstaining.

As for me, I'm watching myself for signs of "second-hand deprivation." In the past, whenever my husband went on one of his diets, I always seemed to do my worst with my eating. It was as if I was driven to overeat in rebellion of his restricting. This was really frustrating and confusing to me, because one would think it would be easier to be careful with my eating when the person I lived with was doing it, too. But I've realized that just witnessing and being around his dieting would set off the "feast or famine" response in the caveman recesses of my brain.

In fact, last night as I was wandering through the grocery store, I found myself on the hunt for something super carby to chow down on for an evening snack -- my 21st century version of the Woolly Mammoth hunt, I guess. But fortunately, something from all my IE work must be sticking, because nothing I saw appealed to me, and I've come to a place in my eating where I won't just buy any old junk to cram in my pie hole. If I'm going to eat it, I have to really love it. And nothing in the store reached those qualifications. The best thing was, instead of feeling bummed about not finding anything, it actually felt very empowering.

After my daughter got out of gymnastics she was starving (as usual), and her new fixation is Dairy Queen. She wants to go there all the time, and of course I usually get something, too. I've been trying various things, and I've realized that the size of the treat keeps getting smaller and smaller. Now I know a Buster Bar is NOT a low calorie, fat-free treat, but it's definitely smaller size and calorie-wise than a lot of stuff on their menu. And I'm actually more satisfied because it's what I prefer. I figure it's better than getting something sugar and fat free that tastes like cardboard, then going home and eating even more to make up for that disappointment.

I think what will really help me in this new challenge is a book I just got in the mail. I read some recommendations for it on one of the "normal" eating forums that I lurk on, so I thought I'd give it a go. I will let you know my findings very soon.

Leaving Food on the Plate

For the past two weeks I've been plugging away at this Intuitive Eating business, and I have to say it's been going pretty well. I've been reading my IE e-mails (I'm signed up for a couple yahoo forums that send me digests of posts), as well as finding some new resources online and in book form.

Here's the biggest accomplishment, and I'm willing to attribute some (if not a lot) of this to the Intuitive Eating hypnosis/meditation CD I've been listening to every night. More and more I'm able to leave food on my plate -- even throw it away!!!-- and not feel anxious, unhappy or deprived when I do it. This has been one of my biggest challenges, and it feels so liberating to be able to dump that food in the garbage and not be gripped by this compulsive need not to "waste" it.

I come from a family who shares this fear of wasting or throwing something away, just in case "you might need it later." So I know part of it is a learned belief that has been ingrained into my head all of my life. In the case of food, even if it wasn't that good, or if a certain food lost its appeal half-way through, I'd eat it all anyway because doing anything else would be (gasp!) wasteful.

But part of it, too, is the whole issue of deprivation and in turn "treating" myself with food. I have always felt that if I didn't eat everything on my plate --even if I was full or if it wasn't all that good -- I was taking comfort away from myself, in other words punishing myself.

For a long time I've been reading about changing my beliefs, which would then change my behavior (otherwise known as cognitive behavioral therapy), but it always seemed so difficult to put that theory into practice and actually believe it. But right now it all seems to be clicking. Instead of feeling deprived, I feel I'm giving myself the very best of my meal and not wasting my time -- perhaps even punishing myself ?-- with food that doesn't meet my standards.

For example, the other night we ate out for dinner. My meal came with two little rolls (2 to 2.5 inches in diameter), a dinner roll and a sticky roll. My daughter ate the dinner roll because it's her favorite. I looked at my sticky roll and noticed that the edges looked dry, but the center looked moist and tasty. In the past, not wanting to "waste," I would eat the edges first and save the best part for last. That way even though the whole thing wasn't that delicious, at least the last bite would be great.

This time, however, I picked the edges off and put them aside, and I only ate the center. My husband looked at my plate of discarded roll in a quizzical way, and I tried to explain to him that I only ate the best part and didn't bother with the rest. The best part was, I wasn't doing it because I "should" to be a good Intuitive Eater; it's what I truly believed.


The real test for me was this past July 4th weekend. I had two family picnics and a two meals out with my friends, events that have always led me to compulsive eating that left me feeling stuffed and miserable. At both picnics and the dinner party at my friend's house I was really selective on what I put on my plate. At the first picnic and the dinner party I chose to leave food on my plate and even threw it away. At the second picnic I did clean my plate, but I noticed that I picked up much less food than I usually do and did not continue to pick at things the rest of the day. At the meal out with my friends, I ordered less food than most people at the table, and I actually wound up being one of only two who brought leftovers home, which I ate today at lunch.

Throughout all of these meals/events I did not feel compelled to eat and eat and eat because it was there or because "everyone else is doing it." I by no means estimated calories or the "fattening" quotient of the food I selected. I picked what looked delicious to me, and if it wasn't, I didn't finish it.

I can't tell you if I'm losing weight. For one, I haven't weighed myself. And I don't want to, because I know it will trigger nothing but negativity whether the number's up or down. If I've gained, I'll get bummed out and feel like I'm not making "progress;" if the number's down, my perfectionism will kick in and I'll be tempted to start restricting or counting calories to do even better. Right now I'm rating my success by other means: my clothes aren't getting tighter; I don't walk away from a meal or end the day feeling stuffed and miserable; I don't feel anxious, resentful or deprived. Psychologically speaking, those are much healthier guidelines for me to follow right now.

Once I start digging into the new books and resources I've been investigating, I'll let you know what I think. Hang in there!