Here!!! I Is Hiding

Thank you to icanhascheezburger.com for this picture.

In hiding, you ask? I guess you could call it that. I feel like I've been in hiding from myself.

The sure sign that I'm in Escape (from myself) Mode is that I've returned to the one pleasure that has consoled me since my teens... fiction writing.

It started with the nighttime daydreaming my best friend and I started as preteens. To push out any stressful or nagging thoughts out of my head so I could get to sleep, I begin thinking about the characters, the story lines, and soon enough I'm drifting off to sleep.

But two weeks ago I took the next step. I dragged my manuscripts out of the attic and began scouring it, getting caught up in it again and wanting to do this twenty-something year old project some justice and finally finish the thing.

Because I started this story when I was in my teens, reading it now I can really see how my writing skills have improved over time. Part 2 is so much better than Part 1 (if I can ever finish the whole bloody thing, it will be three parts), in just about every aspect: the well-roundedness of characters, the development of plot lines, even the attention to detail is severely lacking in Part 1.

So, for the past two weeks, I've slowly started rewriting Part 1. It's definitely harder to get to now that I'm a wife, mother and employee; I don't have the luxury of staying up all night when inspiration hits, and battling the constant interruptions and pressing chores is quite the challenge.

I'm looking at this return to writing in two ways. On the one hand, it's a positive thing because I'm doing something I've always loved, using a talent I worked hard to develop, and it's pretty hard to eat an entire basket of leftover Easter candy when your hands are tapping away at a computer keyboard. The part that worries me a little is that in the past, I have enveloped myself into writing when I'm trying to escape something unpleasant in my life, usually something I have no control over. I guess I'm afraid I'm using it to run away from my life and lose myself in this fantasy world I've harbored in my mind since the mid-80s.

And yes, there have been some things in my life that have cropped up in the past month that have definitely been unpleasant. Nothing deadly, nothing permanently scarring (I hope!), but difficulties I wasn't expecting and that have been hanging around like a batch of no-see-ums flying around my face. A major bummer for sure.

Already on a couple of occasions my husband has complained I've been distant. Of course, in my defense, I'm in the middle of typing something when he tries to talk to me, so of course my mind is elsewhere. When I am making the time to talk to him (our early morning chats, our afternoon how-was-your days, our bedtime wrap-ups) I am entirely in the moment and paying attention. Ironically, when I'm trying to talk to him there's usually a TV on nearby and invariably he gets sucked up in some show and doesn't hear anything I say, and I almost always have to repeat every single word.

Come to think of it, he's been guilty of this interrupting thing when I try to read a book or talk to someone else on the phone. He reminds me very much of some pets we had when I was a kid. Every time my mom would try to read the newspaper, the cat would have to jump up on the newspaper, sometimes even lying down on it to make sure she could be the main focus. And our little chihuahua would get so jealous when Mom was on the phone that he would crawl around on her and do this fake sneezing thing to get her attention.

Am I comparing my husband to a lap dog? He is definitely loyal and affectionate and would protect me to the death. But sometimes that ... neediness can be a little suffocating. I've tried many times to explain to him that I grew up in a very independent family, that I learned to enjoy having a lot of space and alone time, and at this point I actually require regular portions of it to keep my sanity in our fast-paced, always-on-the-run lives. But the fact of the matter is, while that kind of life drains me, he thrives on it, and to boot, he's used to a very tight-knit family that was always doing things together and hated doing anything alone.

So there's the update on my life. Still hanging in there, trying my best to traverse these choppy waves and not capsize. The good news is I'm slowly working my way back to exercising regularly, and this week I've been walking on the treadmill every day. As for the eating, well... that's another post.

Low Frustration Tolerance

I haven't been writing, although I keep meaning to. I guess it's because my brain's so busy processing the information I've been absorbing, and I haven't been ready to write about it.

I've been writing a lot about "Three Minute Therapy," and for any of you who deal with overeating or smoking issues, I highly recommend reading Chapter 8 (this is the link for the entire chapter on the TMT web site). Like my previous reading, all of this made perfect sense to me, was something I already sort of realized, but I don't think I ever had it explained to me so succinctly.

I don't know if I ever heard of the term Low Frustration Tolerance before, but after reading this chapter, I knew for sure that I've got it in spades. Here is a list from the book of common thoughts of people with LFT:

I feel upset when things proceed slowly and can't be settled quickly
I feel upset about life's inconveniences or frustrations
I feel quite angry when someone keeps me waiting
I feel very sorry for myself when things are rough
I feel unable to persist at things I start, especially when the going gets hard
I feel unexcited and bored about most things

According to the book, LFT is caused by "the belief that life MUST be fair, easy, well-ordered, comfortable, exciting, pleasurable, interesting, or hassle-free. In any situation where life does not conform to such demands, the addict compulsively looks for a quick escape from these 'unbearable' circumstances."

Perhaps the only aspect of this that doesn't apply to me is the need for things to be exciting. I'm never bored and am quite content to live a life without a lot of highs, whether it's soap-opera type drama in my life, being surrounded by people to entertain me, or even the need to have some kind of noise (radio, TV, etc.) going on at all times.

But oh boy, do I ever get ticked off when I'm handed a lot of frustrating and inconvenient circumstances! I HATE it when people keep me waiting, and cover your children's ears from the cursing when I'm in a car and stuck behind slow drivers. I do get way too easily frustrated when hassles and problems are thrown in my way, and when things go wrong I definitely tend to feel sorry for myself. As for looking for the quick escape? You better believe it, and it normally comes in some form of carbohydrate.

This Low Frustration Tolerance particularly comes into play when one tries to stop the compulsive/addictive behavior. How many times have we given up dieting or gone back to the cigarettes because (from the book):

The pounds MUST come off quickly (or I MUST immediately never want to smoke again)

I MUST have a cigarette/cookie because I strongly want one.
Life SHOULD be more fun

If I start to feel bored or dissatisfied, I MUST feel better right away

I CANNOT STAND the frustration of being so deprived.

The discomfort is HORRIBLE.

And when we fall off the wagon we have even more MUSTy thinking:

I SHOULD have been born thin (or I SHOULD have never started smoking)
Life SHOULDN'T be so unfair
I SHOULD be able to eat whatever I want -- or smoke (without any consequences I dislike)
Controlling my eating (or smoking) SHOULD be easy

And guess what? All of these thoughts are irrational, too demanding and unrealistic. This is where the Three Minute Therapy can become so beneficial.

I haven't done any specific TMT exercises on this, but in the last few days the realization of my irrational beliefs and Low Frustration Tolerance have shed a new light on my current relationship with food and weight. When the negative thoughts come into my head I find myself automatically disputing them.

For the past three days I've been eating much more sensibly -- reasonable portions, a larger proportion of healthier foods -- and for the first time in months and months I don't feel resentful and full of self-pity about it. I'm also cranking up my exercise and getting much more disciplined with it. I'm telling myself I am not "going on a diet" and approaching it all more as an experiment, to see what feelings crop up and finding the beliefs behind them.

I'll let you know how this "grand experiment" unfolds and what I discover.

TMT in Action

This morning I had an incident that is perfect for Three Minute Therapy.

A. (Activating event): My daughter and I had a big discussion/argument about gymnastics. She has a meet this weekend and she thinks she needs to go to practice every night this week to get ready for it. I don't think she should be going every night because she'll be exhausted by the time the meet finally comes on Saturday. I told her I wasn't planning on taking her tonight, and I wished she had told me all of this last night when her father was home so we could discuss it. (One of the other moms and I trade off nights driving the kids to practice, and this was the other mom's night) It got even more confusing when she told me the other mom "might" take her again tonight because she's taking her daughter. But I couldn't get a solid answer on it.

At first she got very angry at me and was giving me terrible attitude, including aggressively tossing her agenda at me when I asked her for it so I could sign off on her homework. Then she went into martyr mode and first said she didn't want breakfast, then said she might not even want to go to the meet.

We also got into this frustrating and confusing conversation about the registration fee for the tournament. I paid a fee (to the gymnastics group) for a February match that was cancelled, and I assumed that fee would be applied to this March match. But now my daughter says she isn't sure this was applied to the March match or if we'll even get our money back for the February match. The coaches are NOT good at distributing information to the parents and my daughter's knowledge of what's going on is shaky and changes every five minutes.

B. (irrational Belief): My daughter SHOULD tell me what's going on at gymnastics as soon as she gets home. She SHOULD remember important details and SHOULD NOT change her story every five minutes. She MUST show me respect and not give me attitude. The coaches SHOULD be better at getting this information to the parents and SHOULD NOT rely on little kids to do it. I MUST know what's going on. I SHOULD be more proactive and chase these coaches down for information. I HATE it when I don't know what's going on, and I SHOULD NOT feel confused and out of control. I MUST not screw up this registration situation, which could keep my daughter from competing, or I will be a TERRIBLE mother.

C. (emotional Consequences): Anger and anxiety

D. (Disputing or questioning your "must," ) My daughter's 9 years old. Why should she be expected to remember details exactly and be responsible for relaying all important information to me as soon as possible? When my daughter joined this team no contract was signed by the coaches stating they must be excellent at communicating to the parents. Nor was there any rule that stated I had to chase them down to find out what's going on. Why should I be exempt from being out of the loop and out of control? And where is it written that messing up a registration fee makes me a terrible mother?

E. (Effective new thinking): I would PREFER that my daughter treat me with respect and not lash out at me, but at her maturity level it's normal for her to overreact or respond irrationally. It's frustrating when I have to deal with her anger or self-pity, but it is not something that should infuriate me. I would PREFER that my daughter report to me as soon as possible and accurately about important things. But she's an imperfect human child whose attention span is limited and whose priorities are not the same as mine, so it's to be expected that she would jumble or forget things. The fact is that from time to time that I won't know what's going on and will not be in control of every aspect of my life. This can be very frustrating, but not something that should make me anxious and upset. I would PREFER not to mess up the registration fee for this match, and it would be disappointing if she couldn't go, it would not be a tragedy. This one mistake will not change my overall definition as a person.

F. (new Feeling): frustration and a little confusion, but not anger and anxiety

What's so great about this method is that instead of feeling guilty for getting so angry and foolish for being so anxious, I can dissect the incident and get to the truth of the matter, which is that I'm not really angry at my daughter or the coaches, but all of my MUSTY thinking. And the anxiety comes from the harsh demands I put on myself and feeling scared and bad about myself because I'm not meeting those incredibly high and often irrational expectations.

Three Minutes

In my recovery time after my bout of the flu (the worst I've had in some time, even with a flu shot) I read a book I've heard a lot about and finally ordered. Three Minute Therapy: Change Your Thinking, Change Your Life, explains the basics of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) in a very understandable format.

I've already looked into cognitive behavioral therapy (which was spawned from REBT) to deal with issues in my life, but like any other project, it can feel overwhelming and you're not sure where to begin or if you're doing it right. The great thing about Three Minute Therapy is that it gives you the outline of an easy to grasp exercise that can tackle any issue that arises.

The main concept of REBT and this book is that our thinking causes our emotions, not the incidents that happen to us. It's our beliefs about those events that influence how we feel about them and lead to our behaviors. I realized in reading this book that I've been skirting around this REBT concept for some time but didn't have the tools to put it into action. This book does it in a "baby step" ABC method that makes it seem like something I can accomplish.

It really made me realize how many demands I put on myself, others and the world in general. I MUST be the best at whatever I'm doing; my family MUST think, feel and behave the same way I do; and the world MUST treat me fairly and everything in my life MUST go smoothly. And when this doesn't happen I let my emotions run wild.

I suppose I knew this before I read this book, but it really hit home for me in so many ways as I've been struggling over a lot of issues and emotions these last several months. It addresses my perfectionism, my all-or-nothing thinking, as well as the depression, anxiety and overeating that have resulted.

For example, one reoccurring problem I have is my anger and resentment about the housekeeping duties in our house. Here is a Three Minute Therapy exercise that pinpoints my beliefs and how they are affecting my emotions:

A. (Activating event): For the nth time I'm cleaning up the living room and it's mostly clutter and garbage that my husband and daughter left behind.

B. (irrational Beliefs): My house MUST be neat or I'm a terrible housekeeper, mother and wife. My family MUST be neat and clean up after themselves. I SHOULDN'T have to clean up their messes.

C. (emotional Consequences): Anger and resentment.

D. (Disputing): Who says my house must be neat? There is no judge or jury examining my housekeeping abilities and giving me a pass or fail grade. There is no rule in the Constitution that says that my family must share the same level of neatness that I desire. Where is it written that I shouldn't clean up after my family?

E. (Effective new thinking): I PREFER to have a neat house, but it does not equate to my worth as a human being. I WOULD LIKE my family to clean up their clutter, and it’s disappointing that they don't. Being imperfect humans, they are going to be messy sometimes, maybe even a lot. Rather than making myself angry and resent my family, I had better face the fact that if I want my living room neat, the probability is that I will need to take care of it.

F. (new Feeling): disappointment, but no anger.

What's nice about this is that you can still feel rational emotions (like the disappointment above), but this method enables you to talk yourself down from that irrational ledge that makes you feel out of control or guilty about it later. (This guilt is a secondary emotion, which is also addressed in this book, but more on that later.)

I am going to try to do at least one Three Minute Therapy a day, or at least when an issue rears its head. I'm not going to make it a MUST, because that's pretty self-defeating, isn't it? Let's just say I would PREFER it if I can do this regularly!

Sending Regrets

My apologies for the long absence. Last week was a killer with lack of sleep and lots of stress, and surprise, surprise... I wound up catching my husband's flu. So I've been really out of it and didn't have the energy for much of anything. Still not 100% but I am back to work. Will get back to regular posting soon.

A Day in Bath

While we all enjoyed the sights and sounds of the city, I'm pretty sure we all really loved the day we spent outside of London. Before we left for our trip we sent e-mails back and forth debating where we should go, and the two towns we settled on were Cambridge or Bath. After receiving some recommendations from friends, we settled on Bath, and we were not disappointed.

When I visited England in 2002 I spent the majority of my time in Cornwall with my sister and her family. This was a vastly different experience than the one I was having in London, and I thought it was a great idea for the first-time visitors in our group to get a taste of life outside of the city.

There are two main attractions that dominate the tourists in Bath -- the Abbey (at left) and the Roman hot spring baths (the museum at right). They are located in the same square in the center of town, so it made sense to visit both of these places. The thing I've told everyone who I've talked to about this day trip, I really wasn't sure what to expect out of Bath. I didn't know if we'd get there and wind up twiddling our thumbs all day. But I must say I was pleasantly surprised at the amount of things to do there and couldn't even get to: if I ever get back there I will make the effort to go to the Jane Austen Museum and the Museum of Fashion (or Costume, as they say over there).

The Abbey was wonderful. As pretty as the architecture was on the outside, the inside totally blew me away. Our churches at home in Podunk, Pennsylvania just can't compare to the majesty and grandiosity of these houses of worship. The ceilings, the floors, the pews and the pulpit were all incredible in their intricacy and workmanship. Something you also don't see in small town American churches were the memorial plaques and statues on the floors and walls of the church. Everywhere you looked there were tributes to people, everything from a simply worded slab of stone to an intricate work of art. And each one told a story of a life, some hundreds of years old. This church had the main altar, then some side chapels on each side. To the right of the altar was the Gesthemene Chapel, and I loved the altar frontal designed by Jane Lemon. Next to the abbey was the vaults, which had been converted to a museum noting the history of the church. One of the things I couldn't get over in my many experiences in England was just how old everything is. I mean, we're talking 1,000, even 2,000 years old! Where I live it's amazing to have a building still standing from the 1770s, when this region was first populated by settlers. In England that's relatively new stuff.

To really bring this home, just go across the square to the Roman baths. In the Victorian era the ruins of these baths and temple were discovered, and the museum built up around them to preserve and protect them. Not only are you amazed at the age of this find, but also the 2,000 year old technology that still works! Can you imagine our current plumbing and heating systems still working in 4008? We're lucky if we can get a toaster to last five years! The natural hot springs these baths take advantage of maintain a constant temperature of around 80 degrees F, and if you look at the picture closely you can see the steam rising off the water. All kinds of artifacts were discovered around these baths: remnants of a temple dedicated to Minerva; intricate tile work; offerings and curses given to the gods to thank them for their gifts or to seek punishment for those who did them wrong; stone grave markers and coffins; little trinkets, hair implements and other tools the Romans used. It was a great experience, and the hand-held audio tour gadget they give you does an excellent job of explaining everything at your own pace.

After touring both places we worked up an appetite for lunch, and I was the instigator of where we went. At the Bath train stop there was a tourism center and I picked up a pamphlet for Sally Lunn's. One of my goals for my England trip was to get the chance to eat some scones with clotted cream, also called a cream tea. I was introduced to this delicacy on my trip to Cornwall and longed to experience that culinary delight again. Most of the meals we ate in London were at pubs and it appeared our plans to go to a high tea in the city were not going to happen. So when I saw the flyer for this tea room I told my travel companions we had to check it out. What a fantastic experience! The outside of the building was charming enough, but the inside was so quintessentially English that we all fell in love with it. We all tried sandwiches made with the famous Sally Lunn buns, then while the others got a piece of apple pie with clotted cream, I got my Cornish Cream tea and savored every second of it. It was so fun and quaint and really what you would picture in your imagination of a countryside English tea.

On the way home on the train we all talked about the fantastic day we had, got a good laugh at some of the silly photos we had taken (sorry, I didn't show them here!) and our two first-timers said that if they ever come back to the U.K. again, they would seriously consider spending most of their time in Bath. So it's pretty obvious our day in Bath was well worth it!

A Day in London

The day after our bus tour, we had what I would consider our most hectic day. In one day we visited the Tower of London, took the boat down the Thames from the Tower dock to the Westminster dock (where you can find Big Ben, Parliament, etc.), walked through the Victoria Tower Gardens to the Tate Britain museum. We then took another boat that led us directly to the Tate Modern museum and The International Shakespeare Globe Centre (we only toured the Tate Modern). After that we walked across the Milennium Foot Bridge, which led us in the general vicinity of St. Paul's Cathedral, although we got there too late to tour inside. At that point we walked our way back to Picadilly Circus; while our one companion parted ways with us to meet up with an Irish pal, the rest of us headed back to the Tower of London subway stop for a Jack the Ripper walking tour. This is quickly compiled in a paragraph, but let me tell you, this was a hell of a lot of stuff to do in one day. The Tower tour itself took two hours or so to complete.

Unfortunately, it was then that my legs gave up on me and I had to say "uncle." I felt horrible about it, because the other two really wanted to do this walking tour, but I was pretty much at the brink of tears at this point and knew I had to listen to my body screaming at me to quit walking! All I know is, I wish to God I had a pedometer on me that day, because I would love to know how many miles we walked from 8 a.m. to 10 p.m. that day, including all the strolling around inside each museum as well as all the foot travel we did getting too each place and all the wrong turns we made. I'm guessing 10 miles.

They were incredibly kind, however, and we wound up going for Indian food instead, which I must say was fantastic. And they did get to go the next evening, so it wasn't like I cheated them out of their experience, just delayed them 24 hours.

So here's my overview of that crazy day:

The Tower of London was amazing. I don't think it would be right to say I enjoyed it, because a lot of its history is very, very sad. Within the past two weeks I've watched both Elizabeth movies with Cate Blanchett, and in the first one the young princess gets locked up in this building at left, the White Tower. I think the films were all the more moving for me since I recently walked on the very floors she did and experienced the menacing and intimidating might of these big stone prisons. Even more emotional was the statue at right, which is on the spot where Elizabeth's mother, Anne Boleyn --unfortunately only one of several prisoners -- was beheaded. Our audio guide suggested that we imagine walking up to this spot as a person facing their last minutes on earth. Not a happy place, let me tell you. However, behind that statue in the large building was the home of the Crown Jewels, which was quite a sight to behold. I've never seen so much gold and so many jewels in one place in my entire life. Quite impressive.

After we thoroughly explored the Tower of London we hopped on the boat and traveled the Thames. My best picture of that jaunt was this one of the London Eye. That's the closest I got to it; I really had no desire to go that high in the sky. Looking back I probably shouldn't have let my fear of heights let me stay away, but in the end we were so busy doing everything else that the regret isn't that bad. Besides, I have to save something for the next time I go to London!

When we got off the boat we were at Westminster, and my one travel companion got to achieve one of his goals by having his picture taken next to this statue at right. I took photos of this the first time I was in London and could understand why. The woman in the chariot is Boudica, Britain's warrior queen who fought against the Roman occupation of England. Click on the link to read more about her and this statue. Having named my daughter after another ancient British warrior queen, I tend to have a fondness for these strong women of history.

We of course walked past Big Ben and the Houses of Parliament, then entered the Victoria Tower Gardens. It wasn't as crowded as the main streets, which made for a more relaxing walk, and I found it lovely, even in January. The weather was nice enough for a group of men to pick up a game of rugby with Parliament in the background (I took a picture but it came out very dark). My favorite landmark in the gardens was this statue, the Buxton Memorial, which commemorates the emancipation of slaves following the British 1833 Slavery Abolition Act.

I must have been dealing with the first wave of exhaustion by this point because I didn't even think of taking any pictures at the Tate Britain. We were hungry, too, because we had lunch first at the museum before looking around. I had a cheddar and ale chutney sandwich which was quite good. I noticed you could buy beer and wine in this museum cafeteria, which I'm pretty sure isn't common in American museums.

My main goal at the Tate Britain was to see this painting, J.W. Waterhouse's The Lady of Shalott. Waterhouse is one of my favorite painters, and this piece in particular has been very dear to me. I've owned a print of this since high school, and it has adorned my walls in college dorms, apartments, and every house I've lived in since. It was amazing to see it in person; just the enormity of the painting (78.8" x 60.28") was awe-inspiring. But to see the actual brush strokes, the level of detail one can't see in my print, made it all the more beautiful. I realized something as I recalled the story; while at first glance this woman seems sad and weak, she actually has a lot in common with Boudica. They both faced impossible odds (Boudica facing the army of the Roman Empire, the Lady a curse that kept her imprisoned in a castle and unable to look at the world directly). Both made heroic but tragic decisions that led to their deaths.

I found so many paintings here that I loved. I'm a big fan of the Pre-Raphaelite and Victorian era art, and this place was jam-packed with it. And the sculptures were fantastic, too.

We then traveled by boat to the Tate Modern. Other than getting to see Claude Monet's Water Lilies (After 1916) I have to admit I wasn't too impressed by the majority of the art I saw there. I guess I'm an old fogey at heart and can't get into "modern" art. I found myself looking at several pieces and thinking my 9 year-old daughter could do a much better job. It didn't help that I was seriously hurting by this point and was much more interested in finding a seat to rest my feet and legs than being inspired by modern artists.

The biggest feat my one travel companion had was traversing the length of the Millenium Bridge, called the "Wibbly Wobbly Bridge" when it first opened to the public because something was wrong with the fortifications and the first people to walk across it were bounced around like a fun house attraction. This has been fixed and it's perfectly safe now. When I first heard about the bridge and saw it from afar I was a little leery, but once we were facing it I wasn't scared at all. While it looks narrow in this picture it seemed much wider when we were actually on it. If I had been forced to look down at the Thames River below the entire time I probably would have gotten vertigo and filled with anxiety. My friend wasn't so lucky. The other two travel companions and I literally surrounded him as we went across, a cocoon of safety for him as he sweated and fretted. This photo of his victorious finish on the other side was a testament to his bravery. And unlike Queen Boudica or the Lady of Shalott, his heroic choice didn't end in death!

Wow, it took me two days to post this blog of my one day's adventures! Just proof of how much we crammed into our schedule.